Until becoming a mom I never experienced having two extreme feelings about the exact same thing!
I absolutely love and hate breastfeeding my two-year-old son!
It’s so bizarre…
I prepared for a lot of things before my Deucey-Doo arrived. My hubby and I were together for 14 years and married for seven of those years before we had our son. He was planned, wanted, and highly anticipated.
In Texas, most master bedrooms are downstairs. The only other room on the first floor was on the complete opposite side of the house and has a door leading outside! ABSOLUTELY no way my little prince could live there. We have a pretty big walk-in closet and my hubby insisted that we should take out our clothes and make it the nursery. After the longest side-eye in the history of mankind, I explained there was no way, after all this time, I was bringing home our firstborn to live in a closet… and where exactly would we put all our clothes and shoes? MEN!!!
Needless to say, we added on almost 1000 square feet to the back of our home, lol!
One of my good girlfriends told me I had to get a doula! I met with a woman in Austin a couple of times and thought it would be awesome. I loved everything she said about how we would prepare for baby, I loved creating my birthing plan and knowing she would be with me every step of the way. Unfortunately, It didn’t work out. I travel a lot for work and when I couldn’t keep a regular schedule she went off on me… Ummm ma’am, if this is how you’re going to act before baby, I damn sure don’t want you in the room for baby! Ahhh well, I tried!
My sister gave birth 6 months before I did and told me it would be best to do a tour of the hospital before going into labor. There would be nothing worse than having contractions and not knowing where the hell to go! Ross and I took her advice and made the trip! I was really grateful I did.
There wasn’t an app I didn’t download. If it said baby, new mommi, pregnancy, I got it! Now did I read everything, well that’s a different story! I wanted to have everything just in case bu the online group, what to expect when you’re expecting, was probably my favorite. You join the group with moms that are expecting around the same time as you and I thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone else’s stories. It was a big part of the inspiration behind creating MommiNation. I wanted that community feel to last forever and I wanted it to be with moms that looked like me.
Ok, before I get off track, I felt like I was prepared. Ross and I were in an amazing space in our marriage, nesting and getting ready for our baby boy. We discussed so much,
I knew for sure I wanted to do it. There was never a question in my mind. If my body would produce the milk, enough milk, I would nurse.
I knew all the amazing benefits of breastfeeding and my hubby is for all things natural and organic so he was team breast is best from the start. There really wasn’t much to discuss here!
Once I got going I loved it but realized what a commitment it was. From on-call feedings, to scheduled feedings at night, and all the pumping in between, it was A LOT! I’m a busy bee and after the first few weeks I told my hubby I would do it for 6 months then I would start to supplement with formula. He was adamant that I not put a time limit on it and that he really would love for me to breastfeed for as long as Deucey needed milk. In the fog of the early days I thought he was asking too much, not knowing what it was like to breastfeed a child, I told him we would revisit at 6 months but I felt pretty strongly about it.
Well, just like most things, when you get through it you forget the tough times and only remember the good one. When I got to six months I thought sure, I can do six more for my little love and I kept on pushing.
I started traveling with Deuecy around 3 months old. By the time he was one, he had visited 12 cities! I’m kind of proud of that and hope to keep it up for as he grows older. I’m a huge advocate of traveling the world, I believe it changes you for the better and exposes you to so much but I’ll leave that for another blog. Ultimately, I took Deucey on most trips with me and when I didn’t I was only gone for 1-2 days. Well, somewhere around the 9-12 month mark I had to go on a Nike trip for 3 days. It was the longest I had been away from my baby but he was starting to ween a bit so I thought it would be fine and might even speed up the weening process…
BOY WAS I WORNG!
The opposite happened. He regressed and went from feeding 4-6 times a day to 10 -15 times. It was like he wanted to be sure I didn’t leave and he was assured of that when he was hanging on to a boob!
It’s been another year, 365 days and I am still nursing my baby boy and he now feeds upwards of 15 times a day. Some spurts are 2 hours long! No exaggeration.
This is where those “extreme” feelings come into play.
I love the fact that I still get to enjoy these times with my son because I know one day it will all be a distant memory. The way he looks up at me sometimes on the breast gives me a feeling I simply cannot describe. He can’t say I love you yet, but I see it in his eyes and in his smile. I love the fact that no matter where we are in the world he always has something to eat/drink that he loves, I love the fact that I can comfort him when he falls, I can put him to sleep on a plane ride and I love the fact that I’m the only person the world that he can get milk from!
It’s special but I also hate the inconvenience of it at times. The fact that he’s so aggressive and will pull my shirt down anytime anywhere. I hate that I don’t have the discipline/courage to tell him no and mean it. That I can’t cuddle him without him being on my breasts, I hate that he goes from being a big boy with everyone else to a cry baby when I come around and wanting breast immediately. I hate that I have to hide in the room sometimes to get a break and most of all I hate the toll it’s taking on my marriage.
How ironic, that the person who was most insistent that I keep nursing for as long as I could is the same person who is now most affected by my inability to stop?
My husband has come to a point where he complains almost every day about how nursing is affecting our family dynamic. His complaints don’t always show up in words but certainly in his demeanor and disposition.
I get it, it’s been really tough on him. He and Deucey can be having the best time and as soon as I come into the picture he turns into a baby, and drops everything to be with Mommi! And he’s getting worse. He almost treats my hubby like a stranger at times, when on every other occasion, his daddy is his everything.
And let’s not get into what breastfeeding has done to my sex drive, LORD HELP! Mommi Latrese wrote an awesome blog all about that so after you’re done reading this click here to check it out!
I could have also titled this blog “My hubby wants my breast back too,” but ultimately I feel a bit torn about it all. I keep asking my honey for more compassion as he sees the struggle I’m having with getting my son off the boob. To me, he’s a bit selfish at times as his noticeable frustrations only add one more thing to my plate.
IT’S HARD being a mom, it doesn’t come with a manual, I’m definitely not the mom I thought I would be and having him in my corner would make this time a little easier.
Well, I’m still not 100% sure! I really hoped to get him off the breasts by 2 but I haven’t done anything consistently enough to really make it happen. However, I have a mandatory 10-day trip coming up to Doha. From late September to early October, I will be in Doha, Qatar for the Track and Field World Championships and I’m praying that it will be enough time for him to self ween. I know he’s ok without it. He’s gone 3 days, he doesn’t drink it from a bottle, he goes to school for hours and doesn’t require it, so the question will be, will he recall the comfort of it after so many days! I’m hoping after putting this blog out to the world and hopefully thousands of people reading it we can all pray together so say it with me:
Please hear our combined prayers.
We are asking that you take away the desires of young Deucey-Doo to want to nurse.
He has gotten all the good things that come from breastmilk and it is time for him to set Mommi Sanya free!
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Until next time…