I’d be lying if I said becoming a mother hasn’t taken over in all areas of my life. —at work, if something comes up, my response, “well y’all just gotta figure it out” because guess what— I’m a mom first. It’s girls night and something comes up, “Sorry ladies I know we’ve been planning this forever, but I gotta cancel”—- I’m a mom first. I find myself reiterating the fact being a mom is number one when it comes to many areas of my life, and in most areas, I’m finding that people won’t always be happy with you prioritizing being a mother first. *Kanye shrug*
Not my problem.
Becoming a mom has simultaneously thrown me into like bionic woman mode, which I’m finding works with everyone but your partner. I wake up with a to-do list, I gotta do this and this and this and this today, I go to bed with a list reminding myself I gotta do this and this and this tomorrow and guess who usually doesn’t make the cut, one of the most important people… my man. It’s no secret that relationships change after having a baby, most times you hear about them changing for the worst.
My mom has warned me far before I even thought about having children that men show their true colors after having a baby— a warning I am now convinced is some bitter black women’s old wives tale. (For the record I’m not calling my mom a bitter black woman)
I am not the same woman I was before becoming a mother. My partner fell in love with the carefree, whimsical, happy, adventurous, sex in random places down for anything Ashley. Since becoming a mother I am 1/6, no doubt I have changed hell, I realized I have changed so I can only imagine what it’s like for him.
Babies can strengthen the connection or they can make you lose it, suddenly it’s all about the baby and we sometimes forget about the life we had with our partners before. Writing this for me is therapeutic because I have forgotten about what life was like before Carter, I forgot about how important making his dad happy was for me and I’m now seeing the toll it’s taken on us.
TMI coming right up but, there was a time I’d go home on my lunch break just to squeeze in a quickie. It was important to keep it fun, and fresh… now I get home and sometimes I’d rather choose sleep over intimacy.—- shame on me. Shame on me for making it seem like being a mom gives me an excuse when it comes to nourishing my relationship and making sure I’m listening to my man and his needs. (Now don’t go reading this honey and think you can tie me up tonight cuz it’s not happening, I have a bad back now).
After many nights of him chastising me for what I have not been doing, we finally began to communicate! He began to ask what could he do to help ease the burden, what could he do to help me after my long day so I could relax. The importance of communication amongst partners cannot be stressed enough, it’s so easy for us as mothers to come home after a long day get into our evening routine, all the while we are burnt the hell out and not once will we ask for help. It’s not uncommon for men as partners to see their spouse in their routine, and not speak up out of fear they may be imposing ( if y’all didn’t know women run the show, happy wife happy life) most men stay quiet when it comes to running the house.
And night after night you and your partner go to bed with so many underlying feelings that could be fixed with a conversation and a little compassion. —- it’s hard, tell me about it.
I read, Understanding your partner’s love language a “guide” more people should read, and I realized I’m not a mind reader and neither is he… I may not be affectionate but I know he is. There is so much give and take that’s goes into relationships, and they fail when people don’t understand that. My give is bouncing on more D when Carter goes to bed (might have to visit a sex shop or two to brush up on the old skills), and vocalizing just how appreciated my spouse is and how I recognize all that he does although I don’t always say it. My take is being more open to help, and suggestions…understanding there is no such thing as a bionic woman and if there is I can imagine she is probably single.
Without question I am still a work in progress, a mom just trying to figure it out, but one thing is for certain my goal is to build with my partner and not break in the process … we have broken MANY times before and *whew chilay*
I hope this helps any other mommies struggling to find a balance after such a huge adjustment, as for those who have been blessed enough to have it figured out what are some things that have helped keep your relationship strong even after becoming parents?
Until next time