For the majority of my life, I was of the mindset that it was okay to bypass all the romantic music, push pass the passionate kisses, kill the corny candles and just dive right on in. I’ve never been a fan of wasting time and so it should come as no surprise that I have a long history of rushing into things. Let’s take sex for example, why waste time staring intently into my eyes, caressing the back of my neck or talking dirty? Hell, just get to it. Don’t tease or pet the damn kitty, just feed her; I mean c’mon, how much does it really take to make a kitten purr? Now to be fair, my attitude towards rushing into things and skipping essential steps extends well past intercourse and shows up in damn near every arena of my life; from my train wreck of a marriage to crash courses in self-discovery. It wasn’t until I identified the connection between process and purpose that I was truly able to appreciate the significance of taking my time and enjoying the art of foreplay.
First came marriage, then came love, then came the baby in the baby carriage…Yeah, you read that right; marriage preceded love. After a whole five and a half weeks of “dating” my husband and I got married. Spoiler alert: That shit didn’t last. Well to be fair, it lasted seven years. Now, I can’t completely blame this not so happy ending on the length of the courtship (check out The Day I Found Out I Was Becoming A Mother I Entered Stage I of Grief… for a more in-depth look into how I got married), but what I can say for certain is that it’s always best to read the fine print. Know exactly what it is you’re signing up for and don’t prematurely intertwine your life’s journey with someone who was simply meant to pass by.
But none of that mattered to me at the time and to keep it all the way real, if someone stepped to me with any of that self-help BS I would’ve nodded and kept right along with what I was doing. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t in love with that man, but in hindsight, I was head over heels in lust with him. I made him the prize when I should’ve been. I suffered in silence when I should’ve spoken up. I was looking for a savior when I already had one and I allowed a fantasy to distort reality. So there I was, like an unstrapped virgin in this newly wed game who left herself wide open and susceptible to the never ending woes of marriage. Looking back on it all, I realize that had I taken the time to properly massage the relationship and fall in love with the person versus the promises, I might have actually experienced one of those coveted happy endings.
Prior to celebrities like Cardi B. and others rapping about it and normalizing it, most of the women that I’ve come across are way too embarrassed to admit just how often we do this…but I’d bet that the greater majority of us prefer/love it. Let me walk you through a typical scene…first you pull out your phone or computer, then you make sure no one’s watching (or if you’re one of those people who truly don’t care, you might find pleasure in doing it with other people around). Next the anticipation kicks in, you take a deep breath….and just go for it, allowing nothing to break your concentration. In no time at all, you find yourself getting lost in the sauce and erupting in pure ecstasy once your mission is complete. When it’s all said and done you sit back (or lay) in complete satisfaction wanting nothing more than to drift off to sleep or get up and get your day started…Damn shopping online at FashionNova can sound a lot like something else.
All joking aside, intentional self-stimulation, exploration and gratification whether it be masturbation, retail therapy or exercise are critical components of adulting. Take the time to really learn yourself (inside and out) and acknowledge what makes you happy. If you can’t please yourself, no one will be able to; instead you’ll go through life chasing an insatiable desire that can only be filled internally. This revelation didn’t occur to me until I reached my 30’s when I began to understand the importance of self-awareness which is, “the capacity for introspection and the ability to consciously recognize one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.” So as I went on this local (when I say local I mean from my bed) Eat, Pray, Love voyage to “finding myself” I realized that what Jada’s Red Table Talks or Iyanla Vanzant, Fix My Life didn’t tell me is that while self-awareness is the end goal, there’s a key step that must come first which is self-discovery. Go figure, self-discovery or the identification of one’s character, abilities, feelings, etc. is the foreplay to the orgasm of self-awareness, which is actually owning who we are, what we can do etc. Well I’ll be damned, I guess we all need a little foreplay in our lives if we ever want to experience true orgasmic bliss.
I’ve never quite understood the epigram “there’s several ways to skin a cat,” however what I do know is that there are a plethora of ways for a woman to experience an orgasm. In my premature thinking, I thought the whole purpose of sex was to have an orgasm; I thought the whole point of dating was to get married; and the reason we go to work is to earn a paycheck. Basically, everything has a means to an end and the quicker we get there, the better. In my ignorance, I didn’t recognize the detriment that occurs when we dismiss the process. When we avert the steps along the journey, we miss out on our purpose and essentially cheat ourselves out of experiencing life. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably never be the soft music, rose pedals and bubble bath type; however, what life has taught me is that the act of foreplay or the process (the actions that precedes the event) is just as important as the purpose. Therefore, I will take my time, play with myself, cultivate significant relationships and enjoy the road from foreplay to fulfillment as I finally find my G-Spot in life.
Thank you so much for reading! My hope is that you laughed a little, reflected a lot and learned how foreplay extends beyond the bedroom! Foreplay….who needs it? We all do! Stay tuned for Pt II- The G-Spot.