I didn’t even think it was possible, but I am having the best sex of my ENTIRE life…after two kids and fourteen years of marriage. How can sex be this good when you have two people with super busy schedules, a needy two-year-old, and a six-year old who still finds a reason to randomly come to your room at 3:00 a.m.? And where was all this good sex when I was in my twenties with no kids?
Let me be honest, our sex life hasn’t always been this poppin and it still isn’t perfect, in fact, there were times when it was quite pedestrian. I mean I always left feeling “satisfied” but we just couldn’t get on the same page with our schedules, what we wanted, and most of all…frequency. You see I was cool with a once a week rendezvous (a sister be tired!) and my husband…well you know…if the wind blew, he was ready.
After having our daughter two years ago, we took a baecation that ignited a spark in our relationship and our sex life. We left that trip with a renewed commitment to take our intimacy to the next level.
My husband and I have created a judgment free safe space to talk about anything that is going with us. Once a week, after putting our kids to bed, we go out on our patio and I sip a glass of wine while he smokes a cigar and we talk about EVERYTHING. This is also where we have intentional conversations about our sex life. In fact, we talk more about our sex life outside of our bedroom than we do in it. We talk about our desires, wants, needs, fantasies, disappointments and insecurities without fear of judgement from the other person. This has been a game changer for us. The safety we both feel in those moments are crucial and talking about sex outside of the bedroom has revitalized our sex life. Creating a space for open and honest conversations about sex is critical for the health of your sex life with your partner.
Find time for you and your partner to have time alone…at least once a quarter. It was insanely difficult for me to let anyone watch my firstborn. It took us seven years to have him and I was super protective of him…even with my own mother at times. However, letting him stay with my parents and trusted friends was the best thing that I could have ever done for my marriage. Now that we have two kids, we use our village even more, especially when we start to feel the stress and strain that parenting puts on our relationship. We try to have “kid free” weekends once a month and we use these kidless breaks to get adventurous in the bedroom (or the whole house). We love the freedom of not having to worry about being distracted or interrupted, and that freedom gives us the opportunity to engage in fantasies that are difficult to try when you are worried about having a visitor in the middle of the night!
I was on birth control pills on and off for about 15 years before I had my daughter two years ago and I noticed that every time I was off of the pill my sex drive would be off the charts. I remember bringing this up with my OBGYN at my six week check up and I ultimately decided to get off of the pill. It’s always a good idea to have periodic discussions with your gynecologist and your partner to discuss how your current birth control may be impacting your sex drive. Hey, you may not just be “too tired”, there could be a hormonal imbalance at work…or you could just be tired because #mommilife. Whatever the case may be, explore your birth control options and find what works best for you and your body.
Sex wasn’t really talked about in my home when I was growing up, so much of what I have learned has been “on the job” training. Now having sex isn’t a complicated task to do, but there are defineitly levels to it! I mean why settle for a Bachelor’s Degree in Sex With My Boo when you have the option to get your PhD! Whether it is erotic massages, toys, or role playing, figure out what pleases your partner and then find a class or a book to increase your knowledge on the topic. This keep things interesting, fun, and spicy in the bedroom.
Trust me, this might be the hardest one of all. Marriage is hard and so is parenting, and honestly you don’t always “feel” like having sex. However, physical intimacy is a powerful tool that connects you in ways that words simply can not. Sharing your body with someone you love and is beneficial to your physical and mental health…and it takes the edge off too!
Hopefully one or two of these ring true for you and your partner and helps to spice up things in your bedroom. However, if you find yourself in an intimacy rut, find a counselor or therapist you trust to help ignite the spark!
I am mommi to two awesome kiddos! I am also a Licensed Professional Counselor who is passionate about all things mental health, motherhood and marriage. Follow my journey @beyondthehappy and beyondthehappy.com