Alexa play “When a Woman’s Fed up by R……..” Oops never mind. CANCEL. The song is still hella applicable though! I digress.
You may have heard people say “Everything changes once you are married” and for some people that is true, but for others it is not. I hear MORE people say everything changes once you have kids, now THAT I believe to be true.
Regardless, what do you do when you aren’t getting what you need as a woman in your marriage?
It was all so simple in the beginning. The love carried you and your spouse through many of the little hiccups of life. Note: I said little. You had sex on a regular, you were participating in date nights, kind words were spoken more often than not to one another; it was GREAT!
As time went on, however, daily sex routines turned into once in a while. Date nights were a thing that happened on occasion and minor disagreements turned into full blown arguments. The signs were there but often times we are blinded by the lust and the “love” that we miss them or sweep them under the rug. Very few people just OUT OF THE BLUE turn their personality over, it was always there or at least an inkling of it turning into something more when triggered.
Pastor Todd recently spoke about Hasty Faith in Week 9 of his Crazy Faith series. Hasty Faith is when we believe that we have a word from God about what we should be doing but we don’t wait on His timing to execute it. Instead, we take matters into our own hands. You may have hastily gotten married (I lost some folks on that one huh?) I’m just telling you the truth. It’s quite possible you may have hastily started having children before you & your spouse were truly in a space and place to comfortably handle the challenges of adding to the family. You acted in haste but it doesn’t necessarily mean it was a mistake. So, now what?
Here are a few things I would ask that you try or assess:
- Have you communicated to your partner about how you are feeling? Clearly, concisely without anger or resentment in your tone? Communication is key in any area of your life but definitely a main component in a relationship.
- Have you done some self-evaluation? Sometimes we think the issue is other people when in reality it’s a dissatisfaction with self. If you read my previous blog about, “Mourning your Single Self”, make sure that you aren’t just mourning a part of your life that has changed.
- Have you tried counseling? This could be individually or as a couple? I know counseling is taboo for a lot of people in black culture but I cannot recommend it enough. The beauty of having someone who has probably seen and heard all give an unbiased listening ear to what’s going on and provide some tools to help you navigate it, is essential to growth.
- Have you prayed about it? I know that sounds cliché but praying can help clear your mind and open your heart and mind to what is best for you. I don’t care who you pray to (I’m lying don’t be praying to Lucifer) but just pray. If prayers isn’t your thing, then try meditating. Both can help you center yourself in finding truth
Every situation is different and if you have tried all of the things above and still not satisfied with your relationship then it’s decision time.
- My last piece of advice – Figure out what your deal breakers are. If something is happening in your relationship that is annoying but tolerable AND you think can possibly improve over time then try and wait it out sis but I don’t recommend anyone stay in a state of misery for a long period of time. It has lasting effects that are hard to undo.
We have all seen the meme going around with Keyshia Kaoir and Gucci Mane where it lists the multitudes of “issues” that Keyshia stuck by Gucci’s side for, that ultimately landed her the “prize of marriage” and a changed man. I actually really like them and their union but that is for THEM and that was HER choice. Struggle love should not be considered a mainstream lifestyle. Waiting while someone takes you through his own emotional torture is not your cross to bear and it’s certainly not something to endure with hopes of a better day on the horizon. Yes, all relationships go through ups and downs but if the downs are WAY down and happen too often; you have to start making some hard decisions. Decisions that will be what’s best for you and possibly your children.
At the end of the day, you are in charge of your happiness and wholeness. What isn’t edifying you and your spirit needs to be evaluated and possibly eliminated. (Trust me I am speaking to myself when I write this!) I understand that this concept is much easier said than done at times, especially if you have extenuating circumstances such as health issues, children and financial constraints; but it’s essential that you lead the life that is meant for you.
If you are like most of us, you have poured into others for so long that your cup is practically empty. I am often reminded that I can’t pour from an empty cup so you have to make sure that you are being poured into as well, especially from your partner.
A relationship is meant to be one of mutual satisfaction. At times you will have to compromise but your partner needs to do the same as well. If you are in a relationship and you have given it your all and you feel like enough is enough… then there is YOUR answer. You have reached your “enough”. Be certain and strategic in your exit but you’ve got this!
Note: if you are in an abusive relationship, physical, mental or sexual; please seek IMMEDIATE HELP! Contact the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
As always… Love & Light,
Mommi Trese, Unapologetically