Yes, I said it! And this is not one of those blogs that makes a sharp left turn and implies an alternative meaning at the end. All men cheat! I said what I said!
I honestly believe this statement. I do not personally know one man that hasn’t cheated so according to my sample size this statement is fact. Now there might be one outlier, but I haven’t met him and my guess is that at least 90% of you haven’t either.
Cheating includes (but not limited to) sexual intercourse, flirting, entertaining any implication of a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship, texting/messaging/communicating without your partners’ knowledge, or lusting after other women. I would be willing to bet, that if any man was in a room alone with Beyoncé, she was DTF, and you wouldn’t find out, his response would not be “No thank you Mrs. Carter”.
The impact of cheating is not all about the act, it’s more about the deceit. Whenever the truth is concealed or misrepresented, cheating has occurred. The betrayal of loyalty is what hurts us, women, the most.
Most of the time, men don’t cheat out of love or emotions, rather they cheat out of insecurity, immaturity, lack of commitment, and/or lack of sex. Now I’m no Sexologist and I haven’t completed a scientific study on why men cheat, but from the sample size that I mentioned earlier, the data has been analyzed and the results equal the hypothesis which is…
N**** Ain’t SHIT!! I’m sorry, I mean All Men Cheat.
Cheating is used as a means to stroke a man’s ego. Most often, a man’s decision to cheat is merely a demonstration of their insecurities. Not insecure in you or your relationship, but insecure in themselves. You can be everything he wants and needs but the lack of security in themselves and their burning desire for validation will lead them astray. I know what you’re thinking “but I give him validation” and although that may be true, your validation is not received like the validation from a complete stranger. I mean, you’re expected to think highly of him. It’s just like a child. A parent can tell their child over and over again how to do something or why a particular value is important and it goes in one ear and out the other. But if they hear it from a celebrity it’s bible! This comparison to children leads me to my second point… Immaturity.
They are also naturally attracted to other women. There’s nothing you can do about it. They are attracted to features. The same features that attracted them to you, they will see other women and lust in the mind. As mature women (I can speak on this from firsthand experience) I believe we can admire something without desiring it. I don’t believe men have the same capacity especially when they haven’t matured.
By now you know my opinion on faithful men… they don’t exits. No but seriously, I don’t think that faithfulness comes easily or naturally because every man lust in his mind and has desires that can seem uncontrollable. I believe faithfulness is a choice and only comes with persistent effort. So, if a man has not made that commitment to himself to remain steadfast in their journey to become or remain a faithful man, there is no way he will be committed to your relationship. This is a tough one and I hate to break it to you sis, but as much as you love that man and as much as he says he loves you, he’s not committed and will never be as long as you continue to forgive his infidelities.
I am going to add a lack of sex and lack of access to sex (ie. long-distance relationships). Most men love sex! Across many different studies and measures, men have been shown to have more frequent and more intense sexual desires than women. Some men cheat strictly for sex because they are not receiving it. There’s no deep, underlying meaning besides the fact that they want sex so much so that it feels like a need for survival.
Now if you’re one of those women who says “this is just your experience and my man doesn’t cheat”, my response is either he hasn’t cheated YET or he hasn’t been caught YET! To lust in the head is also considered cheating. Now you all may not think lusting is cheating. Or you may not consider going to the strip club, watching porn, or flirting “innocently” cheating but, for purposes of this blog see the definition above.
All mean cheat but a good friend of mine once said, there are levels to this and you have to decide the level of cheating you’re willing to accept. If you are ok with your man watching porn, going to the strip club, messaging another woman without your knowledge then you may not agree with the statement all men cheat or you’re willing to accept that level of cheating.
Now that I got that off my chest, let me bring it in and provide some resources. Well, first and foremost, we have to decide what level of cheating we’re willing to accept. I wholeheartedly believe that all men cheat but I also believe they cheat in phases. I believe it’s something they can outgrow. So, my prayer for every woman reading this blog is that your man has outgrown the level of cheating that makes him act on the lust they have created in their mind.
The “fact” that all men cheat can leave long-lasting scars on our hearts. So, what do we do? How do we cope? Can we move forward? Is it a deal-breaker? The answers to those questions are different for every woman but here are 10 tips to help you move forward for yourself.
This is a traumatic event. Please don’t suppress that feeling or let anyone make you feel like this is minor. Men are supposed to protect and provide and he didn’t hold up his end of the deal. The person you trusted with your heart didn’t protect it. There is no acceptable excuse for cheating. So unless he takes accountability and displays remorse and understanding of the betrayal then you will never truly be able to forgive and move forward with this man.
Just because you have decided to move forward doesn’t mean that you can easily trust again. Trust is earned, not given. If you observe questionable activity don’t let it slide. If you feel sad, don’t hide it. Give yourself permission to actually feel your feelings.
Talk about the motive, the opportunity, and the action steps to repair both sides with your partner. You have to understand his frame of mind that led to this action. Discuss actions that need to occur to help rebuild trust for you and prevent him from allowing the same temptation to be given into.
Sex is not a tool for building trust or a step towards forgiveness and the removal of sex should not be used as a form of punishment. Adding sex with a motive either way to this equation will just confuse all parties involve.
Step away from the divorce papers, unpack your bags, and take a deep breath. Process your emotions and the consequences of your reaction to the foolish action he made. I am not advising you to stay or go. I’m advising you to take time to think about what your next steps are and how you will deal with them in the future.
Revenge will not make you feel better. It will probably make matters worse. Maintain your integrity knowing that you did not betray your partner and you upheld your end of the deal.
People will always disappoint us. They will never live up to our expectations and there will always be actions that please them that don’t serve us. This is not to say that you should not be disappointed or displeased with others’ actions because you will. And, you will have to deal with those emotions. But your overall happiness should not be controlled by anyone other than yourself.
This is not about you, this is about the decision that he made to betray your trust. A decision that he made completely on his own with no encouragement from you. Regardless of what he says is the reason was, know that he ultimately made the decision to cheat without you or anyone else holding a gun to his head.
Whether it’s your spiritual leader, a therapist, or a trusted relative or friend… pursue therapy. Do not hold in your frustrations. Learn how to cope for yourself before you learn how to deal with your relationship.
They say that time heals all. Don’t rush your healing process. Everyone has a different story which yields a different healing process for all.
Ok… Now back to your regularly scheduled program. All men cheat, some just don’t act on it because the opportunity is not perfect. But given the chance, I stick with my original statement. All (clap) Men (clap) Cheat (clap). PERIODTTTT