In a recent video that went viral, a group of black men and women are seen debating why black men are flocking to white women, and the answer might surprise you… apparently, it’s because “black women aren’t submissive!” Well, this definitely has raised a few red flags over here at MommiNation and couldn’t have come at a better time as all week we’ve been tackling submission. (If you haven’t already you should definitely check out a few of our articles, they’re amazing!)
This blog is a mashup! At mommination we’re a group of black mommies and when we saw this video we got together to join this important debate because at the end of the day, we want to have beautiful black families that thrive together. It’s important that our men understand our disposition and work with us. As black women, already a double minority, always at the bottom of the totem pole, one thing we all agree on is that the most hurtful criticism usually comes from our men! Most recently Lil Duval talked down on our beautiful Afros and a group of black men caught on camera saying “cheers to more light skin babies with good hair”. Then black men, you expect us to submit?
That only scratches the surface here are a few other reasons why:
We’ve often had to be the woman and the man in the house.
We, black women, understand more than anyone else what this country has done to hold black men back. And although you, successful black man, may not have been directly impacted by “the system”, the residual impact still haunts you. From the way your grandmother ran her household as a result of her husband’s situation to the neighborhood you grew up in and what that has taught you.
Overt institutionalized racism and oppression has set up the Black Family dynamic so that on average, Black women tend to be more formally educated and earn disproportionately more than most black men, which then in turn disrupts the traditional gender roles meaning black men are no longer deemed the “breadwinner.” Next, they internalize this disruption and by way of faulty rationalization ascribe lack of submission to black women. Don’t let the system play into your insecurities brothers, #staywoke.
Society has hardened us and it’s often hard to turn that off when we get home.
Because, in many instances we’ve had to be the sole providers, black women are doing some phenomenal things in corporate America and entrepreneurship. Zora Neale Hurston said it best in her novel, “Their Eyes Were Watching God,” Black Women Are The Mules Of The Earth; we are required to work twice as hard and still get chose last, so when I finally get home please don’t mistake my fatigue for anything else. It is also true that sometimes in this country we have to be on the defense to protect ourselves and our families. It is not an easy task to be a badass in the world and come home and let someone else lead.
This is a tough one – Our men haven’t always been someone worth of having a submissive woman.
The charge has never been for women to submit to men, but rather for WIVES to submit to their Husbands. So, until you put a ring on it, you aren’t worthy of having a submissive woman. And after you put a ring on it, you have to earn the right to have a submissive wife.
Are you Leading?
Dear black men, help me to understand, the expectation is for me to follow, when you aren’t prepared to lead? You expect me to dive in deep when you can’t even swim, and then I’m supposed to turn a blind eye under your microscope? And the conversation is still focusing on my issues with submission?
As women we have no desire to be the man. We married you because you are the man. But sometimes we’re forced to take on this responsibility because you lack leadership skills. Here’s the thing, despite our natural, inherent, and sometimes forced disposition to get things done, if our men were to lead, we would have no other choice but to follow.
I guarantee that if you come prepared with a plan and the necessary action steps to get there, we will be right behind you as you lead the charge. What we usually find is that there’s no plan, there’s no action steps, there’s just a demand to lead and an expectation for us to follow. We have no clue where we’re going, why we’re going there, how long it’ll take us, how this plan will be financed, and what this will mean for our lives going forward. All we hear is follow me. You have to understand we have been forced to be so independent, take care of ourselves, the kids, and hold you down because the system we live in has put you down there. And when you finally come up, it is very difficult to unlearn everything that has been taught to us and follow blindly.
So white women are submissive?
The notion that white women “bow down” while black women are combative (as stated in the video) feels like a cop-out. Instead of learning to lead a strong black woman you move on to someone that you feel is inferior. The act of submission is not a weak characteristic, instead, it is a characteristic of trust and respect that is earn through evidence proving that you are trustworthy to lead. The person you marry is a direct reflection of you. If you find yourself flocking to someone that is willing to follow blindly without you earning the reputation as a leader, you have to ask yourself, is this a reflection of the strong man I strive to be?
Why are we placing all black women in a box?
Why are we generalizing all black women and all white women characteristics? There are some strong Caucasian women who will not follow someone without direction. And there are also some insecure black women led astray by a black man who lacks leadership. So, let’s not generalize. Let’s just say that some strong black women are not willing to be submissive to any man (black, white, or other) who lacks leadership. That should not be viewed as a negative trait, that should be viewed as an educated woman who knows her worth.
Submission is not given, it’s earned.
Love, trust, and respect has to be earned to receive submission. You have to show us that you can lead and make the best decisions for our family. You can do this by sharing your vision with us, devising a strategic plan to get us there, and lead us from the front. If so, we will follow your footsteps, submitting to every plan you have for our family. But if you continue to throw out demands to follow, with no vision of where we’re going, pushing us from the back, then we will continue to lack submission and do our best lead our families to success.
So black men, we love you! We want to be in healthy marriages with you and we want to be submissive wives but we want you to be mature enough to identify areas where you’re weak and be willing to grow. Being equally yoked doesn’t mean we both do the same things well, which gives us both the opportunity to grow! If you’re committed to wanting to be the best husband that you can be, it would be my joy to help you get there and rebuild the black family structure that has been severely damaged through no fault of our own!
AnthonyFebruary 19, 2021 9:05 am
I know this sounds like it is directed towards black men, but I have a black fiancée and this resonates with me as well. I do my best to allow her to fully express, and I’m realizing how little I lead. I’m a Sagittarius so naturally I’m loyal and devoted as hell, but I’m also focused on just blissing out with my partner for the rest of our lives, instead of leading us towards something bigger. So she is leading us in that way. Towards a business, etc. And as much as I allow her to express, and do my own healing just to cope with that high passion (which feels like scolding x1000), I guess I do want to feel some sense of submission from her. At least emotionally. Thank you so much for writing this. It’s given me a lot to think about.