I actually made an appointment for an abortion…

Once upon a time…

I was a young naive 17-year-old college freshman from the hood of East Orange, walking the campus of The College of New Jersey in the suburbs of Ewing, NJ. I came upon a group of protestors with big signs flashing embryos and fetuses. They were showing how they were torn to pieces about the abortion process. Completely caught off guard trying to process it all when an advisor pulled me away, advising me to ignore their chants and pleas. In my mind, I decided I would never……

Pre-babies body, how I miss thee 👀

Never say never

Fast forward a decade, I was dating my boyfriend/fiancé off and on for almost 2 years. After he lost a close friend, we somehow came to the conclusion that we would try to conceive a child to grow his legacy (A whole fool 🤦🏾‍♀️). We discussed finally getting married and raising our child in a loving household.

Conception

Despite efforts to practice abstinence, I tracked my ovulation and on the peak day, we had sex. I even mimicked the scene in the episode of – The Game: when Melanie and Derwin were trying to conceive. After sex, she laid on her back and put her legs up on the wall, yup I did that! lol

Fast forward 2 weeks later, in his apartment, I took a test and no doubt there was a baby in there. Almost immediately bruh flipped the script and I was left scared, embarrassed and confused (I mean just call me boo boo the fool).

I had just left my church home of a decade, jumped head first into a new church and youth ministry. Me and my boyfriend had been on and off and somehow I believed him when he said he wanted us to have a baby.

Telling my mother that was an entirely different story I grew up in the church and it was known you don’t get pregnant out of wedlock. ☆Side note she knew and called me out on it lol

☆HERE’S A FUN FACT: I was 27 years old, but in the Haitian culture your age doesn’t mean squat lol. I mean absolutely nothing until you’re married.

Eventually, he made it clear he was reneging on his commitment by stating ” Your mother is a single mom, she’s doing it, so can you!”

Decisions…..Decisions

The next day I called an abortion clinic and booked my appointment for 2 weeks later. Thinking back on it, I was shocked how easy it was (if only booking an GYN appointment were that easy).

I didn’t sign up to be a single mom…

I’m going to shame my community, my family…

This guy is such a jerk, why have his kid…

Here I was 2 months pregnant, super excited about the miracle happening in my body. At the same time ashamed and disappointed in my partner.

I could barely pray and I was super exhausted all I could do was sleep, work, and church. Watching my pre k class prep for graduation and thinking my baby would not get to do this in 5 years.

One week later, the clinic called to confirm my appointment with follow up questions. As I answered all I could think about is I’m killing my baby but why??

Because my flaky boyfriend decided he didn’t want me after knocking me up on purpose??????

I’m a whole 27 years old and I’m going to let my broken heart push me to abortion…….

In that very second, I cut the man off and asked him to cancel the appointment.

In that second I chose life

I chose who would now be my first born child…

I chose to believe while my sexual activity was a sin (according to my personal beliefs) my baby wasn’t….

I chose motherhood….

I chose Eli…

9 months pregnant with Eli

Recently In the midst of an argument I let his dad know that I made an appointment for an abortion back then in response he told me he wished I told him because he would have paid for it 🤔

Shoulda Coulda Woulda

Knowing what I know now, living what I live now. If I could go back in time would I have still gone through with the pregnancy?

7 years, countless evaluations, IEP meetings, case workers, broken windows, losing jobs, sleepless nights, a much-needed divorce, mysterious co-parenting later