It was my freshman year in college. I was running track and extremely in shape.
I would feel my tummy jump and think.. ehhh maybe a muscle spasm.At that time I had just met my husband, Joe. As cliché as it might sound, from the first time we met I knew he was going to be my husband. Meanwhile I was carrying someone else’s baby. As weeks and, months passed I began gaining weight. My boobs were soar and my butt was getting huge lol. I was soooo in denial.Finally, my roommate convinced me and took me to Planned Parenthood. I was SHOOK! I was 17 weeks pregnant!
My unborn’s father was my ex. He already had another baby prior, plus we’d just broken up.
As a young woman, one of my goals in life was to never be a “baby mama” and to never have to deal with more than one father of my children. At that point my thoughts were if I had any chances with being with Joe, I couldn’t keep this baby. Because my ex had completely broken my heart, I definitely didn’t want to have I would resent. There would always be an attachment to him and his family that I no longer wanted.
In addition, the overwhelming fear of my family finding out; my logical solution was an abortion.
The specialist at planned parenthood said she was referring me to program called “Choice”. This was because I was too far along. I went through Choice and they sent me to another clinic who finally told me how far along I was. I was 20 weeks! Terrified and trying to decide what to do, 3 more weeks went by, and I was panicking. I had a whole ass baby moving around in my womb and I didn’t want it. I thought about how I was so young, and not having any intentions on being with her dad. Yes her. I found out it was a girl.
I felt I was left with no other choice. I wanted to be in control of my life. Not anyone else. I made the best decision for me at that time.
I was finally accepted at San Francisco General where their procedure for a woman as far along as I was….. was awful. I would be put to sleep and they dismembered the fetus. I was devastated about the procedure! But the fear of becoming a mother at that moment in life was far greater.
I was pregnant when I met Joe ( I know I mentioned that already). I ended up telling him.
He knew where I was in my life and understood my decision. He Showed me that he would never leave my side or judge me for making a huge sacrifice.
I never want anyone to make these sort of decisions for me. I never want anyone to take my power as a woman to make life-changing decisions. I want to be in control of my own life. I know only I could’ve made this decision to have this outcome.
Do I regret it?…Sometimes. I feel guilty and for a long time, I felt God was punishing me. I was with Joe for 8 years and it wasn’t until 6 months after we were married, I was pregnant with my first son.
Joe and I agreed, no matter how hard things were, we would never do what I did. We didn’t mention it or bring up what happened ever again, until now.
I feel comfortable with myself and in a place in life where I share my true-life moments with those whom it can encourage.
I look at my kids now and thank God every day for still blessing me with 4 beautiful babies and a husband I can share the rest of my life with.
It isn’t fair to be this selfish, but it also is not fair to bring a child into the world when you aren’t ready. I knew in my heart of hearts I wasn’t going to be a good mom and give my all. Because of that experience, it’s giving me a deeper appreciation of motherhood and its importance to a child.