But I don’t mean anything about man parts, I’m talking about depression.
The word that we don’t want to talk about. How do we as mothers make it through, combat, battle (or however you want to say it) and fight depression? Are we open about our depression like we should be, or any mental health issues for that matter? We should be talking about our mental health the way that we talk about shopping or the latest tea on the block.
I don’t broadcast my depression, at least until now, when it almost killed me. Within 7 years, I have gotten married, had 3 children, moved across the country then moved back again. And let me tell you, these past 3 years have put me and my family through the wringer and the damn D has been eating me alive.
As mothers, we do everything we can, to pick up the pieces when things go wrong. We put things on our backs even though it might break us, fight through the tears so our children don’t see. On top off all that we wear different hats to fulfill all the roles around us. Often times putting on masks so people can’t see what’s really happening with us behind the scenes.
So while we’re putting everyone first, and dealing with the children and making sure they don’t hear Mommy and Daddy fighting, we neglect ourselves, and our needs.
Last weekend, I climbed out of my bedroom window, sat on the roof for a bit and I contemplated jumping. Until the thought of leaving my children on this earth alone made me sick.
I got up, climbed back inside, and immediately made some changes. Although as a Christian woman, I do not believe in suicide, over the past few months, I have come to understand it and why people do it. What I’m dealing with right now and have been dealing with, is putting so much hurt on me, I just would rather end, than keep riding this out. So after I gathered myself, I realized how important it is for me to get this depression in order. This will not consume me. I will not have it!
So, I started talking. Seeking help. To me, it was so embarrassing to share with my friends about what I was truly dealing with internally, but it helped me. I have plans to seek help from a professional, but until I can afford to do so, I have been praying like a church mother, reading my bible and trying meditation.
The judgment that you fear from talking, may not even exist. There are people out there that you would assume live a picture-perfect Instagram life but they actually don’t. They are hurting, and need healing.
Just because The Hill Family can pose in cute photos together, and take a mini trip here and there, does not mean that my home is untouched by trouble. There are days when my kids are dressed to the T, hair is done and cut, brand new outfits and shoes, and I’m walking around looking like a Bergen (Trolls) because I couldn’t muster up the strength to bathe yet, and change out of the clothes I fell asleep in. My hair is slicked down because putting mousse on it, was easier than taking out the flat iron and edge control and actually putting forth the effort to look decent for once.
I swear if anyone from high school sees me out in public, and I’m looking a mess, please don’t speak to me, it’s even more embarrassing. I’ve gone out of the house in day-old clothes, more times than I’m willing to admit publicly.
I said all of that to say It’s okay to be depressed, but hiding behind it is not going to make it go away. Talk it out, pray yourself through, whatever you have to do, to get that mess off of you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’d rather have a friend call me and tell me she needs help than to find out she took her own life via Facebook.
Check on your friends who always seem to keep it together. They may need you, but they’re too afraid to ask.
Contributing Mommi Jeniellsa
Check out these amazing resources below if you are going through severe depression or have considered suicide: