I wasn’t sure this day would ever come.
I wasn’t sure I had the capacity to be a Mommi of 2 but after 6 years, I’m here and feeling as ready as ever.
My firstborn is everything! I literally couldn’t wait to be a mom and after being with my husband for 14 years, and both retiring from our beloved sports, we felt so ready to become parents. We fantasized what this chapter of our life would look like and during my pregnancy, I felt like we had gotten closer than ever. We both felt as though our son would complete us and make our lives worth living.
Well, he did way more than complete us…
He challenged us in ways that we had never imagined and rocked our marriage like never before.
Becoming new parents was a lot but we didn’t take into account all the other life changes that we were experiencing simultaneously that required so much adjustment for us.
Having both retired from our sports, me from track and field, and my husband from the NFL, we didn’t deal with the weight of that “loss” and just forged ahead into the next chapter.
We had never lived in the same house together full time, or really managed our lives on our own, and for me, it felt like the arrival of my son, Deucey, was like a tornado we didn’t fully prepare for.
He was incredible. Healthy, loving, ACTIVE, and required so much from me. Looking back now, a lot of the hardships of motherhood were my own fault. I always thought I’d be a strict disciplinarian when I became a parent and I proved to be the complete opposite. I was a chump for him and my only desire was to make him happy.
I nursed for 2 1/2 years, and was always at his beck and call, all while juggling marriage and a very active career. It was exhausting.
My husband did the best he could but in my eyes, it was never enough. I needed more support, even if it was just moral support. Like staying up with me while I nursed through the night or forcing me to sleep when he was on duty.
I definitely feel now, after having a baby you sometimes get a little crazy. A lot of my asks weren’t always logical but I believe after 9 months of carrying a child and all the changes you experience mentally and physically we have the right to be a little crazy and it’s on our partners to extend a little grace to help us navigate this new journey.
It took Ross and I some time to get back to a good place in our marriage and I wasn’t willing to risk my marriage falling apart because we weren’t ready for a child.
SO I TOOK MY TIME…
Additionally, I’m so grateful that my husband allowed me to have the power to decide.
He never wanted me to resent him and believed that I needed to be ready first.
People like to think that we create “storylines” to be on the show, but it isn’t true, at least not for me!
When you join the cast, producers ask you what’s going on in your life and decide what “stories” they want to follow.
Ross and I had been dealing with this issue for years and what viewers witnessed on the show was just where we were on that journey. I still wasn’t ready and needed more time to get there.
Let’s be VERY clear! There is no amount of money or fame in the world that would make me have a child. It is the biggest commitment a couple can make and I take it very seriously. There have been tons of external pressure to have baby number 2 and I never caved. I needed to feel like my family was ready and after Ross and I got on the same page and my son-shine started to mature and show signs of being a big brother, I knew we were ready!
Being ready certainly doesn’t mean that it’s gonna happen, and this time it took us a little longer than it did when we first conceived. When it finally happened, I was so excited. Maybe a little too excited because I told everyone, including Deucey.
Everything seemed perfect until it wasn’t.
At my 7-week visit, my doctor informed me that the pregnancy may not be viable.
I couldn’t believe it and stayed optimistic that maybe she was wrong but she wasn’t.
A few days later I had a very traumatic miscarriage.
While in NYC for work, I started to bleed uncontrollably and was rushed to the ER and forced to have a blood transfusion and a D&C. If it weren’t for my publicist, Lucky Church, who trusted his instincts, and came to my hotel that night, I might not be here. I had fainted in my room and thanks to him and the quick response of first responders in the area I had a positive outcome.
I’m so grateful for them all.
Experiencing my first miscarriage changed me. People always ask, “When do you become a mom?” I now believe it’s the moment you open your heart to welcoming a new life into yours. I was devastated. I realized how important family was to me and how badly I wanted to expand mine. For so long, I believed that I wasn’t ready to balance my desires to still contribute to the world in a meaningful way, like I did when I competed in the Olympics, with being a wife and mother. I kept saying I was family first, but if I were honest, I had placed them both on the same level.
After my miscarriage, I was clear.
It was family first and I wouldn’t prioritize work anymore.
I’d be grateful for every work opportunity that came my way and consider them all but only if it worked for my family.
It was a great feeling to have that level of clarity and the impact it had on my marriage was immeasurable.
I thought it was the perfect time before but it wasn’t… It’s the perfect time NOW!
I’m so excited to be pregnant now and looking forward to being the best mother I can be.
Thank you to everyone for the love, and to God for the lessons and the blessings. I’m so grateful and excited to share this journey with you!