I’m at a crossroads in my marriage. One where each road is a potential path to resentment. You see, my husband wants a 3rd child, and well…I don’t. Let me be clear. He wants a 3rd child like you may remember the way you felt wanting your first. He dreams about it, he yearns for it, he feels incomplete without it. When I think of having a 3rd child I feel anxious, overwhelmed and exhausted at the thought of it.
He’s one of 6, I’m one of one. As an only child who cherishes her rare, and increasingly- hard-to-come-by alone time, having two children can often feel to me like 10. Never a break, never a moment’s peace, never a minute to just do nothing – or at least not enough of them for me. As one of 6 children, to him, 2 kids feels like a blessing, but just the beginning, one that isn’t finished yet. I feel done.
So where do we go from here? He feels how he feels, and I damn sure feel how I feel. I’ll be 36 this summer, he’ll be 42. If there’s a time, its now. I mean, my kids are the biggest blessing I’ve ever been privileged to receive, but they also embody the cliché “anything worth having is worth working hard for.”
I watch them grow and wish I could freeze time, I watch them hug and feel my eyes well with water, I watch them get a snack or put on their pajamas by themselves and recall how short a time ago it was that they couldn’t do that. But I don’t romanticize what it took to get here, my husband does. The working all day and staying up all night with a child that didn’t sleep through the night until he was going on 5 years old, the 2 plus years it took to potty train, the never, NEVER having nothing to do. He brushes that all aside, in a way that sometimes makes me ask myself if I’m weak. Why is what seems so life-altering to me, so trivial to him? Who cares. I said what I said, I don’t need validation for my feelings.
I hold the power. It’s my body. He can’t MAKE me have a baby. But I love him, I love my kids and I vowed to care about his feelings right? (Rolls eyes). So. Do I make a lifelong decision that affects us both based on his wants or mine? Does the expansion of our family and another person to love outweigh my concerns?
You see, I fear that with a husband, two kids, a full time job, a growing business and countless other projects that already require more of me than I have to give many days, another child will break me. Break me in a way that I cannot foresee the repercussions for those around me. I work hard to be the best wife and mother I can be, but I truly feel like if one more thing is added to my plate, something is going to have to give.
Ever have those days where you’re in a bad mood and you can’t put your finger on exactly why? When you snap at your kids for even the slightest of mishaps? On those days I call myself the Dragon Lady. She tends to rear her ugly head when I’m overtired, overextended and/or overwhelmed. You may not have a Dragon Lady in you, good for you. I do. What I don’t want is to bring another child into this world only to become a permanent Dragon Lady to this beautiful new baby and the two we already have.
You know what else I don’t want? For my husband to resent me. Resent that the person he vowed to love and be faithful to won’t give him what only I can. I mean for God’s sake, there are women out here raising 4, 5, 6 or more kids and thriving. God bless ‘em, but couldn’t be me. Or could it?
How many kids do you have? How many did you plan on? Did going from 2 kids to 3, 4 or more feel any different? Could I do this? Should I do this? Weigh in below and follow me on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter so you don’t miss Part 2 because we’re not getting any younger and a decision has to be made soon…
- Education, Family, Fashion, Latest Blogs, MommiHood, MommiTips, Parenting, Tips, Tips for Mommi, TRENDING, What every black mom should know
How We Fostered A Love of Reading in Our ChildrenHow We Fostered a Love of Reading in Our Children This post has been sponsored by General Mills. All thoughts......
Jamaican Saltfish Fritters with Sweet and Sour Dipping SauceJamaican Saltfish Fritters Saltfish or cod fish fritters, whichever you prefer to call them, are delicious. They’re one of those......