I’m at a crossroads in my marriage. One where each road is a potential path to resentment. You see, my husband wants a 3rd child, and well…I don’t. Let me be clear. He wants a 3rd child like you may remember the way you felt wanting your first. He dreams about it, he yearns for it, he feels incomplete without it. When I think of having a 3rd child I feel anxious, overwhelmed and exhausted at the thought of it.
He’s one of 6, I’m one of one. As an only child who cherishes her rare, and increasingly- hard-to-come-by alone time, having two children can often feel to me like 10. Never a break, never a moment’s peace, never a minute to just do nothing – or at least not enough of them for me. As one of 6 children, to him, 2 kids feels like a blessing, but just the beginning, one that isn’t finished yet. I feel done.
So where do we go from here? He feels how he feels, and I damn sure feel how I feel. I’ll be 36 this summer, he’ll be 42. If there’s a time, its now. I mean, my kids are the biggest blessing I’ve ever been privileged to receive, but they also embody the cliché “anything worth having is worth working hard for.”
I watch them grow and wish I could freeze time, I watch them hug and feel my eyes well with water, I watch them get a snack or put on their pajamas by themselves and recall how short a time ago it was that they couldn’t do that. But I don’t romanticize what it took to get here, my husband does. The working all day and staying up all night with a child that didn’t sleep through the night until he was going on 5 years old, the 2 plus years it took to potty train, the never, NEVER having nothing to do. He brushes that all aside, in a way that sometimes makes me ask myself if I’m weak. Why is what seems so life-altering to me, so trivial to him? Who cares. I said what I said, I don’t need validation for my feelings.
I hold the power. It’s my body. He can’t MAKE me have a baby. But I love him, I love my kids and I vowed to care about his feelings right? (Rolls eyes). So. Do I make a lifelong decision that affects us both based on his wants or mine? Does the expansion of our family and another person to love outweigh my concerns?
You see, I fear that with a husband, two kids, a full time job, a growing business and countless other projects that already require more of me than I have to give many days, another child will break me. Break me in a way that I cannot foresee the repercussions for those around me. I work hard to be the best wife and mother I can be, but I truly feel like if one more thing is added to my plate, something is going to have to give.
Ever have those days where you’re in a bad mood and you can’t put your finger on exactly why? When you snap at your kids for even the slightest of mishaps? On those days I call myself the Dragon Lady. She tends to rear her ugly head when I’m overtired, overextended and/or overwhelmed. You may not have a Dragon Lady in you, good for you. I do. What I don’t want is to bring another child into this world only to become a permanent Dragon Lady to this beautiful new baby and the two we already have.
You know what else I don’t want? For my husband to resent me. Resent that the person he vowed to love and be faithful to won’t give him what only I can. I mean for God’s sake, there are women out here raising 4, 5, 6 or more kids and thriving. God bless ‘em, but couldn’t be me. Or could it?
How many kids do you have? How many did you plan on? Did going from 2 kids to 3, 4 or more feel any different? Could I do this? Should I do this? Weigh in below and follow me on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter so you don’t miss Part 2 because we’re not getting any younger and a decision has to be made soon…
Rashada
March 5, 2019 1:50 amIn my early 20’s I was married and never got pregnant, that was ok with me because I didn’t want kids at all. I got divorced when I was 25 after being together for 8 years, married for 4 of those and never once getting pregnant. I thought I wasn’t able to have children ????????♀️. Imagine my surprise when after dating someone for 8 months, I got pregnant at 29! Yikes .. I was confused, frustrated and in denial but my daughter was the greatest blessing. I now have 5 children and I’m a single mom who has a full time job, owns her own business and plans to join our community volunteer fire department (I’m straight lol) .. what I learned is, that women have the amazing ability to adjust to whatever life throws at us. It’s not always easy but I love my kids and wouldn’t change a thing (as far as having them in my life ????). If you don’t want kids that’s one thing but if you are just questioning your ability to handle another child, you can do it trust me! We are resourceful, resilient, life giving beings. I hope you and your family can be at peace with whatever your decision is.
Mimi
March 5, 2019 2:15 amLove your blog post Yolande. What a predicament to be in. My husband and I feel the same way about having more kids; we don’t want anymore! I remember wanting only one and the guilt I felt when he would talk about having another.
A lot of people don’t discuss this subject so I appreciate you blogging about it! #goodread
T. Smith
March 5, 2019 2:43 amMother of 4 here…. i would feel the same overwhelmed, unappreciated self with 1 or 4. You can’t plan on how you will feel….. it does nothing but run your mind ragged. There is no compromise when wanting kids are involved because it’s either you will or you won’t. Maybe the compromise if he wants a 3rd badly is some occasional help whether from a family member or third party. Bigger question is…. is 3 his cap or he wants more…. what was the number compromise when dating
Kari Wilson
March 5, 2019 4:04 amHi Yolande, What a Great Blog! I understand that it’s your Body! Once you’re Married it’s no longer your Body. If all your Husband is asking for one more Child! Give him the Gift and let God’s will be done in your Life! I am the only Child too! I have a 26 Year old Daughter! Love her with all my Heart! Wished I would’ve had one more!! Be Fruitful and Multiply! ????
Tamara
March 5, 2019 6:18 amThat is quite a crossroads you both have. My husband and I have been married alittle over 7 years. I’m 34, 35 this summer and he just turned 42. We have 2 children one who is almost 2 and almost 4. I unfortunately, endured the heartache of suffering two stillbirths within a year and half of each other. To have my two miracles and blessing I have now I has to undergo injections and constistant monitoring due to unknown reasons of why I lost before.
My husband talks about another child himself but he knows that for us it is truly a baited breath at every appointment praying to always have a heartbeat. He told me that while he would love another child he does know that I am the one who has to endure it all.
I would truly talk with your husband and you both discuss all that you have going on and make the right decision. If you truly dont want another one and say you have one because he really wants one its not being fair to either of you.
Chantel Pridgon
March 5, 2019 7:01 amI think you guys should pray about and let God decide when it’s the right time for you guys to have a 3rd child or not.
Tammi G
March 5, 2019 1:47 pmLove it! I feel you though… I also have 2 (boy and a girl) also a year apart. But my husband also doesn’t want another one that’s our difference. Idk what advice to give, besides just pray and ask God for the answer.
Tiffani Green
March 5, 2019 3:28 pmI COMPLETELY understand where you’re coming from with this post with slight differences. I am a mother of two, to a deep thinking 9yr old, and vivacious 4yr old. I felt as though my life was complete. Until my husband raised the question, “babe let’s have another”. At first the thought of having another baby sounded amazing. My birth experience with both of my children was beautiful to say the least, but then I got to thinking. We had our oldest when we were young. You know, the time in your life where you’re jus figuring out life and as they say now jus beginning to “live our best lives”. So that quickly went out the window. And my second came and my husband became the SAHD so most of his time was dedicated to our now 4yr old. So now in retrospect’s I have my husband back. More dating, more activities together, more bedroom time. And now all I can think about is how, if we bring another into this world do I lose my husband or our relationship we have now to care for another baby? The question is still up in the air as to what we should do being that we’re both 30 and have some time. But for right now we’re enjoying our time spent together. And the only question now that rings in my mind is not should I have another baby but how much does this beautiful time with my husband matter vs having another baby. Only time will tell!
Darnessa
March 5, 2019 3:47 pmGreat read and beautiful family! There are other options. Maybe you all can compromise and foster and/or adopt older children. They come self sufficient, potty trained, walking, talking and able to pretty much do whatever you tell them. I was against this when my husband and I first talked about fostering to adopt children, but we now have fostered 1 nine year old, 2 fifteen year olds, a 16 year old and a 1 year old. The older children make it so easy. This way you have less stress of raising a baby/toddler again, your husband gets more children and you help a child(ren) in the process.
Kim Waddle
March 5, 2019 5:57 pmHi! I am 40 and I have a 2 1/2 year old. I look at women with more than one kid and say HOW ARE THEY DOING IT! My toddler wears me so thin! My husband ad I agreed NO MORE. One and DONE. I am so happy that we agreed, because honestly if my husband wanted another I COULD, let me be honest, I WOULD NOT DO IT! Period. Men don’t understand how much having a baby takes out of you. Pregnancy can be hard. Heck mine was. After you have the baby your hormones are out of whack. I am just now feeling like myself which still is a new normal that I guess I just didn’t understand before deciding to have a baby. I am beyond thankful for my child. I love him more than life. PLEASE pray on your decision. You made so many valid points. I pray that whatever decision you make is the perfect one for you and your family. As women we have to be supportive of each other with these decisions. I have been called selfish for not giving my child a sibling. I am so sure of my decision that comments of others no longer bother me. I Just try to be the best mom I can be and keep it moving.
Avery
March 5, 2019 8:28 pmGorgeous….this article is everything and needs to be addressed. I’m here to say as a almost 45 year old with two munchkins and the youngest being 2….PRAY…PRAY & God will reveal to you the answer. For me 2 and done because I didn’t want my daughter to be an only child and now she has a built in bff. I’m exhausted with the two energizer bunnies ain’t no more over here but blessings to the ones who have more!! You’re an amazing woman and no matter the decision it will be the right one for you both. I do believe if you do the cookbook first, the answer will come so much quicker????????
Slande
March 6, 2019 1:05 amI have 4 blessings and 4 headaches at the same time. I’ve always known that I wanted 3-4 kids at a very young age and I started on this journey of parenthood at a very young age. I am 35 with 16, 13, 9 year-old daughters and a 20 month-old son. I was blessed with my son at a time in my life when I had decided that I didnt want anymore children because my girls were at a point where they were pretty much independent and we could get and go without too much fanfare. I definitely went through a phase during my pregnancy where I was like soooooo, I dont want anymore kids to basically praying to God that if I was gonna do this again that it had to be the son that I always wanted. God definitely answered my prayers. I am also a teacher, which is a lot in itself. So my career definitely adds to the pressures of having a new baby that falls ill randomly and having to go to work 5 days a week straight and trying to find time for my oldest 3. It is definitely a lot of work but I have learned to try to incorporate different things to make daily routines run more smoothly.
Zoey
March 6, 2019 11:20 amYolanda beautiful article. I love that you are so honest about how you feel and I get where you are coming from. Sometimes the selfish me says it’s your body and he should respect and understand that but like you said you made a vow and you both are in this together. You just have to keep the communication open with hubby, always highlight the pros and the cons of having another one and pray that God guide you both to make the right decision for your family. Like I told you earlier, I have three and it’s hard but my life isn’t has hectic as yours. It’s hard because I commute 2 hours a day and so I miss out on some bonding time and growth but hubs is available when I’m not.
karenn
March 6, 2019 12:12 pmYou’re husband never had experienced carry a child for 9-10 months, and all the different changes and emotions your body goes through. That is a major factor why he would feel like having a child it just a breeze. I don’t know if you two spend an equal amount of time around your children; but if it’s the case where your spending more times with the kids, that could also play a part in why he doesn’t understand your feelings. Men usually have this “no big deal” attitude when it come to having kids because they don’t go through what women go through.
Melanie
March 6, 2019 12:44 pmI have 4. I’m not sure what I would do in your situation. I’m an only child too but i’ve Always wanted a big family. I will say the transition from 1 to 2 was much harder than from 2 to 3, adding number 4 was even easier for our family.
Pam
March 6, 2019 2:44 pmIt was just 2 of us me and my sister she died 20 years ago it still hurts im by myself know more sisters and brothers alone. Im a mother of 4 about to be 6 adopting 2 boys my children are 30 , 28 , 22, 21 to 2 im adopting are 6 and 5 when my son graduated from high school i was free yes , no God had other plans i felt like you i couldn’t handle another thing on my plate life changed for me when they came into my life 2 years ago through foster care a brand new world yes im starting over i had a great 2 year support team and we are family wouldn’t have it any other way i love all 6 of them and i also have 5 grandchildren go for it have the baby you are a strong woman very strong i have faith in you much love ????
Yolande Kelly
March 6, 2019 10:26 pmI’m so excited at all this feedback everyone! Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice with me, I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my blog and share!
Jenn
March 7, 2019 11:33 pmTry to show him this blog post and discuss it. You are being totally fair to yourself and him. You sound like you really want to take his opinion into account. But also to be true to yourself.
I don’t know first hand, I have a 3yr old and 4mo old. We wanted 5 before getting married. But going from 1 to 2 really took me for a loop! Everyone keeps telling me “3 is so much easier! I promise.” … But now we’re planning on like a 5yr gap before the next. I understand the now or never though with age. Mothering is hard! It sounds like you have allot of other responsibilities also! Remind him that# of children isn’t important if you can’t give all your children the best you and love.
Good luck deciding! I hope he’s as understanding as you sound like you are.
Lala
March 9, 2019 9:48 pmNo. No. No.
I have two kids. Before marriage I KNEW I didnt want kids, and my husband felt the same. Four years into the marriage and he changed his mind. Out of marital obligation, I caved. Two years later, I got pregnant (despite birth control) with another and he refused abortion (I was a SAHM with no money for it, in a small town).
My husband and I are now getting a divorced.
I love my daughters, but I resent having had TWO kids. It is something I’m actively working on so as to not pass that feeling on to my girls (so far they dont suspect it given my overcompensation). I’m not weak by any stretch of the imagination and I’m now looking into tying my tubes.
You CANNOT have a kid just to please your husband- or anyone. It is a decision that YOU must be okay with in your heart. Even if the brunt of child-reading wont fall solely on you, your heart must be in it.
I wish you nothing but clarity, and I hope God speaks to you heart so you and your husband can make a harmonious decision together.
Tiffany W
March 10, 2019 1:23 pmHi. My husband begged for a 3rd child for yearssssss. I was you & he was your husband. Funny thing is I’m one of five & he’s one of one haaaaa. I felt the exact same way you did, I had a boy first then a girl, what else did we need! But one day I looked at him and knew that his need for another baby outweighed by my anxiety not too. He wanted more love and I was worried about “my jobs”. I knew I could handle another one and secretly got excited about another girl lol even though he wanted a boy. Well at 32 I got pregnant for the third time and at twelve weeks I found out I was having TWINS!!!! I literally fell off the table when I got that news but that same day I found out my twins were mono amniotic, which is not very common or safe. My life changed that day in 2013. The job I added to my plate was unimaginable. The horror stories I heard from other “momo moms” and advice doctors gave me to abort & try again because I was young and “if” the babies survived they would be sick! We decided to leave it to god and I decided this was gods way of showing me what love looks like. I thought I knew but I had no idea. Fast forward six years later we now have FOUR kids (twins are girls) and I couldn’t imagine life without any of them. I apologize for the long response but I said all of this to say to lead with your heart and the rest will fall into place. I follow your ig and can feel your love for your family and I agree with your husband, have baby number three. Plus party of five is just too cool, I know you’ll make a theme of it for the reveal. God bless and I’ve added you to my prayers.