Now ladies, I’m sure we’ve all experienced disappointment and regret a time or two over the course of our lives causing us to crawl out of bed thinking, WTF…that was nowhere near the mind blowing experience it was built up to be. I mean really, what was I thinking? From the satiating build up of Anticipating the D, to coming to the realization of just how much the D really sucks, can create a high degree of regret and overwhelming sadness. You know that feeling…you get your hopes all high just to be epically let down, now you’re walking around embarrassed and shaking your head in disgust. Making eye contact with anyone during the legendary walk of shame is out of the question. To say your expectations were not met is a vast understatement and you’re left beyond unsatisfied. Your mind won’t let you stop replaying how in the hell you let yourself get into this mess. You begin to over-analyze all the magnum sized lies you were told, but then again you have to hold yourself accountable for your life’s choices and the decisions you made as a grown ass woman. Nobody forced you to do this. Well, just as we entertain awful experiences in the bedroom so holds true in life. Horrible sexual encounters are the worst, but nowhere remotely close to the feelings that arise when going through the process of separation and/or divorce.
Now insert into the mix a child who depends on you. We as moms tend to suffer in silence and suppress trauma in efforts to maintain the comfort of those around us, namely our children. We forgo sleep, become emaciated and neglect self-care while attempting to stay strong. The freaking irony! So how do you pour into others while being depleted? How do you keep going when all you want to do is stop? How do you not minimize what you’re going through while ensuring your child makes it out unscathed? The answer is simple, you stay present.
Staying Present During the Pain
I’ll be the first to admit that staying present is a challenge periodttt! Now when you’re going through something…honey, it’s even harder! So masking becomes a default. Its easy to get swallowed up by the detriment of an experience while outwardly projecting that nothing is wrong. Case in point, the first time I ever saw my mother cry, I was 16 years old. Prior to that, I thought she was invincible (or lucky as hell to have never stubbed her pinky toe because Lord knows my eyes immediately water up after that lol)! Now as a fully grown woman I understand that there’s no way in hell she wasn’t going through things that damn near took her out, yet instill she kept it pushin. Coincidentally, as a mother, I’ve made it a point to never cry in front of my daughter. But what’s that really teaching her? Although that’s a rhetorical question, I do wonder why we’ve been socialized to believe that tears are an indicator of weakness when in all actuality it takes tremendous strength to let it out and then keep going. One of the most crucial life lessons that I’ve recently learned is that it’s possible to stay present while in pain; so long as we remain transparent about our feelings and intentional about our actions. I’m not advocating for full on melt downs in front of children, rather I’m simply providing assurance that it’s okay to emote in front of our loved ones. In order to raise a physically and mentally healthy child there must be a degree of exposure to a myriad of emotions. Masking emotions doesn’t serve as protection from pain; on the contrary it causes distance and separation as walls are put up between loved ones. We have to purposefully demonstrate to our children positive ways of expressing situationally appropriate emotions or the cycle of masking and suppression will continue. We have to be okay with identifying and calling out our pain while not getting sucked into the quicksand of depression and self-pity.
Pain is not a Stain
A dear friend of mine once told me that “pain is not a stain” (Even though I think it was T.D. Jakes or another man of faith that came up with this lol but I’ll let him have it). Meaning, our current situation does not dictate our final destination. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I must admit that I would’ve never left my marriage regardless of how bad or toxic it became. However, I now realize that had I stayed, I would not have the opportunity to flourish into the person I am destined to be. I would’ve remained stifled in a complacent situation that I had no business being in and I’m sure he’d say the same. To all the mommies that are going through difficult times, I get it! But rather than investing our time in what we are presently seeing, let’s vow to focus on the unseen aka the endless possibilities of being genuinely and over flowingly pleased….with that being said, I guess the D may not be so bad after all!
Thank you for reading,
Mommi Pamela P