I never thought that when I walked into the doctor’s office that my life would forever be changed. Those simple words the doctor uttered sent me from living in a permanent pity party, to regaining control of my life while I still had the chance.
Let me back up and give you some history. I didn’t just walk into the doctor’s office for a routine visit. I had spent the previous few months suffering. From bouts of lightheadedness to nausea to emotional breakdowns every second I got, I was a literal hot mess. Being the stubborn woman I am, I brushed my health off and kept pressing on.
I visited the doctor a few times but lied about my symptoms to avoid the inevitable. It wasn’t until I spent an entire day at work in the bathroom trying to keep my food down, and trying to remind myself to breathe, and trying to keep my balance while the room was spinning like wheels on a Lamborghini that I knew something had to be done. I scheduled an appointment for the same day, dreading that I would finally hear what I knew all along.
As I sat, or lay rather, on the cold exam table, I could feel every beat of my chest. I was finally honest about what I was experiencing, and a series of tests were run to determine what was going on. My doctor entered the room with eyes of concern that only a mother can give. “Baby, have you experienced a life change or some type of major event that would cause you stress?” Immediately the waterworks started as I shared that my home life was a complete disaster, and that I was falling apart inside. She listened more like a therapist, then a doctor. And then there it was…the diagnosis. Being told I was suffering from severe depression literally rocked my world.
How could I, with my perfect little career, and “perfect” little family, and perfect little appearance not have it all together? How did I let this happen to ME?
I mean to be honest, at one point, I judged others who stated they had depression because I thought they just didn’t have a handle on their problems. But here I was, with my diagnosis. I was forced to make a decision right then and there. Either sit in misery for the rest of my life, or do something about it. I chose the latter.
It changed my life. Who I was. I remember the days I felt like living was so exhausting. The heartache I felt could be removed if I just closed my eyes and didn’t open them. But I was reminded by the doctor in Room 3 (who I believe was an angel sent by God) that I had so much to live for. She told me in that room to take out my phone and look at the person who means the most to me. Immediately, I looked at a picture of my sweet princess Kalyn. I was instructed to listen to her laugh each day, to record her telling me she loved me, and to fight with all my strength to create a beautiful future for her, and more importantly for myself.
Each day I fought. I didn’t let my diagnosis be the end of me. I didn’t ask for pity. In fact, most don’t even know. I looked for the beauty in life’s smallest treasures. I filled my heart with so much gratitude. I learned to start taking care of ME. I learned renewed joy for motherhood, for genuine friendships, for my passion, and now for helping others who feel like I once did.
THIS Mommi is here to stay! To any Mommi who may be struggling, know that joy comes in the mourning. Yep, you read that right. Find your why and keep shining through the dark times. Your life is what you make it, and I chose to let it be beautiful!
Can’t wait to share more of my truths with you!