A little about me
I’m new to the mommy and wife club. I’ve been married for 6 months but with my now husband for 7 years and we have a beautiful 4-month-old daughter whose personality is BLOOMING! I grew up in a household where sex wasn’t really talked about, affection to one another wasn’t really shown, and voicing my opinions in not the healthiest way was the norm.
Now I’s married
And all those things are now a problem (Thank God for pre-marital counseling). I felt like every time I looked up my husband was complaining about the lack of sex he was receiving (during and after my pregnancy) and how he doesn’t feel like he’s a priority. Mind you guys, we have a 4-month-old who solely breastfeed; she hates bottles and pacifiers, so you moms know how demanding a cluster feeding baby can be and now my husband is adding SEX to the list of things my wife could do better.
It honestly was annoying and I felt that he was extremely selfish, but talking to my aunt who is married with a now one year old told me that they faced something similar and although I could care less about sex that’s one of the things our husbands need to low key be the best husbands they could be.
Time to reasarch
In the moment I started to basically research by praying and watching sermons as well as thinking about everything we learned in premarital counseling. One video that helped bring this sex topic full circle is called relationship goals part 4 by transformation church. They talked about how to sustain a married and the top three things women and men need.
Those top three things for women were:
The top 3 things for men were:
It’s Not a Want, It’s a Need
The example pastor Natalie Todd used was our husbands asked us to get them a cup of water and we told them we’ll get it but we continuously put it off. Then the next morning we still haven’t given our husbands the cup of water, but the twist is our husbands can’t move out of the bed, so we have to get it. That’s when it clicked to me that it’s deeper than him just wanting sex, but actually needing sex to work to his best abilities as a husband. That was the beginning of me understanding the importance between needs and wants in a marriage.
And it also drove home the point for me when I scrolled down my timeline and hear Devale say this…
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Women always wonder why men fear marriage and monogamy... Most men will never tell the truth about that fear. Well here is my truth... . With an extremely high sex drive I find it unfair for Kay to ask me to suppress my sexual desires for the rest of my life. I also think it’s unfair for me to request that she try and match my drive for the rest of hers. And this is where the problem lies. Most men fear a life of discontentment and unhappiness if they were to commit to monogamy. . This idea that I, knowing my sex drive, must submit all of my desires to one person is daunting. To think that I can only have sex when she wants to have sex, and how she wants to have sex seems awfully one sided, but out of respect for the queen you choose to marry that becomes the reality. On top of all that, in order to keep the idea of sex fun in her mind I must show appreciation for those times we do have sex even when my sexual appetite is not fully met. As a man you do this because in all honesty she is not just withholding sex. Her body is just not built like yours and you understand that. But it doesn’t make it easy. THIS IS THE TRUTH. Not coated by sugar or surrounded by a gel cap to make it easier for anyone to swallow. . Marriage and monogamy is not always pretty, especially for a guy that knows what lies ahead if they truly want to commit. As annoying as it may be for you queens that complain about us constantly asking for sex— imagine how annoying it is for us to have to hear NO especially when we know we didn’t have to choose this life. We gotta work on it together. DEAD ASS! . #DevalesTruth #TheEllises #DeadAssPodcast #HusbandShit #TalkToYourWife #TalkToYourGirl #WorkOnEachOthersNeedsTogether #MillennialMarriage
So, after watching relationship goals part 4 I decided to watch the whole relationship goals series and it’s a whole sermon that talks about soul ties and sex in marriage. Is it what it should be because that’s what God called it to be. That was something I already knew but it didn’t have that positive connotation in my head because of the stigma that’s attached to sex in a worldly way, so I was unconsciously making sex a bad thing when in fact I should be enjoying sex with my husband and that was the biggest shift in my sex life. I’ve always enjoyed sex but now the lens I see sex through is completely different, so now I make sure to have sex at least three times a week and enjoy it!
No one told me
That brings me to my last and final point. Although my husband and I had been together for 6 years prior to getting married I didn’t know what to expect or what was expected of me as a wife. I know the importance of marriage and how to carry myself as a wife, but I did not know sex would play this big of a role. Listening to podcasts from married couples and sermons made me realize that I got the surface level of advice from the women in my life that’s married (that could be because I’m only 24 and was pregnant so they didn’t think to have this conversation with me) and once I got married and started telling them that sex is having an effect on my relationship that’s when I started to get advice.
I’ll do it differently
That’s when I knew my husband and I would have to sit down and talk to our child about sex, how to communicate, and how to show affection. Preparing our child (or children to come) on what it takes to be an adult and a spouse is one of my goals as a new parent in hopes that we can equip them with the knowledge we should have known. I do know that somethings she’ll learn from trial and error, but going into marriage blind I would feel like we didn’t set our child up for success in this area of her life. I’m open to different point of views so I hope I was able to get the conversation going on do we talk about what’s expected in relationships to our kids so they can know or do we feel we should give them the surface level of sex, love and relationships and let them figure it out on their own?
Hope this helps!
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