Over the last 30 days I’ve had to relive and retell one of the most painful days of my life. One man’s words have followed me around like a Black plague for the last 5 years, and I’ve had to finally deal with and heal from it all just because he died.
See what had happened was…
6 years ago, I had a baby and during my pregnancy there were warning signs of what was going to happen that summer day after my son turned 1, but I just NEVER thought it would really happen. About a month ago, the father of my child, who broke my spirit and destroyed what little self worth I was holding onto 5 years ago died. His death forced me to deal with what had happened on that summer day. I chose to not just deal with it but to heal instead.
I remember that day 5 years ago like it was yesterday. My boyfriend and I drove to the park to meet up with my son’s father, his family and other children. I made sure the truck was clean and we were all looking good ’cause I was gonna remind him of just how unbothered I was by his antics. We pulled up and I sat down with my boo and another Baby Mama and began chilling. Eventually my boo walked away to move the truck closer and that’s when it happened.
My son’s father’s bae felt some kind of way because me and the other mom was cool and had a relationship. He thought he was gonna check us for not being her friend and I was like whateva dude. He said something smart, and of course I was quick with the comeback. He chuckled and said “wanna know the truth, that’s not even my son.“
It was like time stood still in that moment. I had to literally pick my face up off the ground. My boo pulled up with the truck looking for a parking spot and I walked to the car and hopped in. There was nothing left to say. He literally ripped my soul out of my body in seconds. Of course I was filled with every emotion you can think of, but I never said another word to him. After about a week, I stopped talking about the “incident” and began to sweep it under the rug as if it never happened.
Deep down, I knew there would come a time when I would have to face this man and what he said; but never did I think I would face it in death. I guess deep down I just assumed we would run into each other, he would apologize and want to see his son and that would be that. But about a month ago I got a call that made my dream just a dream that would never come true.
At 30 something this man died in his sleep due to a heart attack. At first it was weird, then it was awkward and eventually I realized what the problem was.
Was I supposed to feel sorry for this m*$f”*& who caused me so much pain? When was he going to give me the apology I deserved? What had he been telling everyone about me and my son for the last 5 years? Was I prepared to fight for acknowledgement in death when I had been denied it in LIFE? Was this the moment I was going to have to tell my son about his father?
Part II coming soon!
Mommi JPink, Thee Melanin MOMpreneur
“Growth is NEVER by chance it is the result of forces working together. “ ~ James Cash Penny