Let’s just get it out the way now, I must confess, when I found out I was having a girl, I cried!!
Now, before you judge me, hear me out. I love my daughter more than I can find words that adequately express. She is brilliant. Not just saying that because she’s mine, but she is! She’s an adorable, funny, little girl full of personality.
But as I was saying, the day I found out I was having a girl, I cried…and these were not tears of joy! I know, I know, as a good Christian I should just be thankful for a healthy baby, right? (That being said, I never took any of the tests to see if my daughter would be born with any genetic conditions like Down syndrome. I said I would have my baby and care for it regardless, so that information wouldn’t be useful or productive for me!) Maybe because of this the tears didn’t fall instantly, I simply digested what the doctor said. I was grateful. When I got back to the car with hubby, I sat for a moment in a bit of shock, if I could attach a feeling to it. You see, prior to this day I had come up with an assortment of boy names, mostly variations of my husband’s name; the biggest issue was would he be a second or a junior or neither. I never fathomed the issue would be that “he” was a “she”.
So I, Jessica Jordan, in 2015, was in a good old-fashioned sexist conversation and that conversation was “I want a boy, not a girl!” What was worse is that I didn’t really know why I was crying. I was happy. I was having a baby! As my eyes welled up with tears, my husband looked at me and asked “what’s wrong” and I burst out “I don’t even know how to comb hair!!” To which he replied, “what?!” “Hair!” I repeated. “I won’t be able to do her hair….AND I don’t like pink!” In hindsight, it was probably the most overly dramatic wailing sound that came out of my mouth.
If I were to articulate it now, I realize that moment was the first time I recognized I had fears about being a mom. How was I going to raise this baby girl into a powerful woman? How will I protect her and make her strong so she can protect herself? Yes, she has daddy, but we all know daddies don’t make their girls strong, they make them princesses. Trust me I know now, Daddy’s favorite word for our daughter, Jae Elle, is “yes”.
Fast forward to the present, Jae is now three years old. Ironically, she still has just a little ‘fro of hair (think Mr. T but cuter), so combing her hair hasn’t been an issue. Actually I now hope for her hair to grow, while I’m fine with the short look, she’s always asking for some elaborate style that she just doesn’t have enough hair for. Which I must say, since we’re being all honest, that’s equal parts funny and sad. The best part though is that God, with all His/Her sense of humor, gave me the girliest girl. She wears tutu’s, crowns, princess slippers and as much pink as she can find on any given day. She’s nothing like me in that way and I love it. I will warn you though, don’t let the crowns, the tutus and nauseating pink fool you; Jae is as tough as they come, bossy, knows what she wants and articulates it with certainty. In this way, she is much more similar to me and I love that too!
What did I learn from my little embarrassing break down in the car that day? First, the crap we think we need to worry about, we probably don’t. Second, once you actually have said child, you don’t have time to be crying and worrying about things you can’t control like hair (or the lack there of) or the color pink that you banned from your baby shower but your child would fall in love with anyway. And thirdly, don’t cry over stupid stuff in front of your husband because he’ll probably say the wrong thing (or the right thing) and make you more upset.
I must admit it finally feels good to get this one off my chest!
P.S Don’t be afraid to comment below and share one of your mommy confessions…no judgement here!