“Till death do us part, forsaking all others” those are included in most vows or some close variation to that. And that is great and should be followed but the real question is, is Monogamy easy or natural?
In order to really get into this topic, we have to define a few things:
Monogamy – the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.
Easy – achieved without great effort; presenting few difficulties.
Partner – either member of a married couple or of an established unmarried couple.
Disclaimer: This blog is not for those “The sun shines and glows on my partner’s head and there isn’t a day that goes by where I am not completely attracted to and in love with them. I love EVERYTHING they do and I have NEVER even as much as glanced at another person.” This aint the blog for you. EXIT NOW.
Easy says “presenting few difficulties” Hmm…let’s explore. In marriage or any committed relationship, I would venture to say that your partner has their quirks that drive you crazy. If you are together for any extended length of time, those quirks depending on the season in your life, could just merely irritate you or downright infuriate you. It’s during those times when temptation usually appears out of nowhere like the federal government, waiting to take you down and rip your life and family apart. Proceed with caution.
Monogamy is defined as having a SEXUAL relationship with only one partner. Oh really?! So, we are going to act like emotional connections don’t account for the majority of slight/minor infidelity infractions?!
The real deal…
In my humble opinion, take it for what you will but since you have made it this far, I’m going to assume you are interested; Monogamy is unnatural and outright hard at times. Dammit I said it.
As carnal human beings, we are attracted to many things and our partners may or may not always possess those many things we crave or need. It’s natural to see someone with a beard in a nice suit and have a level of attraction to them. It’s natural to have a harmless conversation with someone while flying across country or sitting at the bar in a restaurant trying to decompress from your day and determine that you may have more in common (at the moment) with this complete stranger than your partner at home. And it’s in those moments where temptation becomes a serious crossroads between fidelity and infidelity.
I’ve seen so many people become easily jealous by their partner having an attraction or speaking about their desires of other people. I was people. It took me YEARS to understand that attraction is natural, fidelity is the hard part. It requires an actionable, respectful response to every temptation that is thrown your way; regardless of your current head-space. Imagine being on your period and whatever your go to thing is, whatever it is that you desire most during that time of the month; you can no longer have. Ever again… while Aunt Flo is visiting. How easy would it be for you to do that?
If you are honest with yourself, at times, it’s the same thing with monogamy. It is not always easy. Period. Not in my marriage but definitely in my years of dating prior to marriage I was not always a faithful person.
How can I neutralize the unnatural…?
- Do an honest and complete SELF-EVALUATION of YOU. Most people cheat not because of what their partner is or isn’t doing but because of something they feel they are lacking in their life. Infidelity may be the leading cause for divorce but it certainly isn’t the ONLY reason for a divorce or breakup. In every situation where something doesn’t go as planned, you always need to self-reflect and see if YOU could have done anything differently.
- Have OPEN, HONEST communication with your partner about your wants and NEEDS. For some people sex on a regular basis isn’t merely a desire but it is needed for them to be relaxed, satisfied and ready to attack their day/week. This is something your partner needs to know… upfront. Yes, I am a Christian but look if marriage is forever, it’s some things we need to talk about before that “I do”. Communicate clearly and succinctly about what it is you need, regularly. Not too much though, as most men and many women (I am women) tune out the minute they think someone is nagging.
- Understand that physical cheating isn’t the only form of cheating. Emotional cheating, in my humble opinion, can be MUCH worse. Anyone can have a drunken night or irrational moment and stumble upon some penis or vagina; but spending day in and day out getting to know a person intimately, sharing stories about your marriage, your desires, your hopes and dreams… BITCH, that will make me slice and dice EVERYBODY! (I digress). Emotional cheating is a huge problem in a lot of marriages. Ensure that your communication is also meeting the emotional needs of your partner. Take the love language quiz and make sure you are loving your partner the way THEY desire to be loved. Not the way you are choosing to love them or how you were raised or what you read on my blog. How they want to be loved and how you are loving them are two totally different things. Know the difference.
- Be receptive to constructive criticism. There is nothing worse than trying to convey your feelings and then having your partner accuse you of attacking them. Also, dont walk away from a difficult conversation. You may not LIKE what they have to say but it’s their TRUTH as they see it. Now, let me be clear, I am NOT saying stand there and be belittled or spoken to in a way unbecoming of a queen but I am saying not every conversation is unicorn tears and glitter. My biggest periods of growth are when someone held a mirror up to my face and called me out on my bullshit or shortcomings in a way that I had no choice but to self-evaluate.
- Lastly, understand that it is NORMAL and NATURAL to be attracted to people for a variety of reasons; it’s not always physical. Yes, you will come across someone and think “I love his beard and the way he smells” or “I love her shape and the way she carries herself” but that’s only a small part of continued attraction. In fact, many would call that infatuation. Attraction can be having a conversation with someone and walking away thinking, “I love how he looked me in my eyes the entire time we were talking”. Panties melt. Game over. (Eye contact is the best… I digress)
Monogamy may be unnatural and hard as hell at times but it is doable and enjoyable when you want your love to last. We are all attracted to people for a myriad of reasons. I don’t care if you think you are the ugliest person on Earth, there is someone that will slide in your DM’s and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Monogamy is a choice. A choice you have to make every day and at times will feel like you are making every minute.
Choose commitment. Choose monogamy. It makes life much easier and avoids drama and mess. It aint easy being a queen. Accept that as a black queen you will have to face adversity. No matter what, wear your crown with integrity. IF your relationship or marriage should happen to still not work out, at least you can walk away knowing you did everything you could by keeping your legs closed and your heart focused on them.
Until Next time…
Love & Light,
Mommi Trese … Unapologetically.
KishiaJuly 30, 2019 1:24 pm
100% on point Trese!!! This is the conversation that only real adults both men and women, can have!! You literally took every thought out my brain and put it in this blog. As a newly married Queen, monogamy is hard and I too was that less than faithful person on more than one occasions in past relationships, but I CHOOSE to be monogamous because my King is worth it. And truthfully, folks have way too many hidden secrets on their cleanliness levels for me. Tell me up front what your doctor report says – DO NOT take my choice away to live!
Latrese ThomasJuly 30, 2019 3:44 pm
I’m so glad you liked it! Congratulations on your marriage! It truly is a beautiful thing! It is not without trials though so I’m glad you have already done the work it took me years to do, self reflect and be honest with yourself! Kudos Queen!
JoshalindAugust 8, 2019 11:45 am
Great post! Monogamy is such hard work but man it’s rewarding! Refreshing point of view and very honest. I’m thankful for my marriage and being able to build a lifetime with my partner. Someone to celebrate my victories with, cry with after a long day, and have fun with all the time!