Becoming a mom is considered one of the greatest moments in a woman’s life. It was definitely one of mine when I gave birth to my first daughter August 10, 2015. I was only 25, my relationship was perfect and I had what I considered a great job. The only thing I needed to focus on at this point in my life was being the best mommy possible. I ended up taking a year off from work because who really wants to send their newborn off to daycare right away. There was nothing else I’d rather do at this point than spend every waking moment with my baby. Or so I thought …
“Oh how lucky you are! You get to be a stay at home mom!” I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard that. Yes, it is definitely a blessing to get to spend more than just 6 weeks with your newborn. But how does the saying go, ‘an idle mind is the devil’s playground’. That’s exactly what was beginning to happen to me as the boredom from doing the same things everyday began to takeover. Wake up, feed/change baby, clean, take baby for a walk, put baby down for a nap, clean, feed/change baby, start dinner, clean, rock baby to sleep, repeat. Every. Single. Day. It began to get depressing. Cooking is a hobby of mine so making dinner was actually the highlight of my day. I looked forward to it so much that I would cook just enough for the day so that I would have a reason to cook again the next day.
This was my life as a stay at home mom. Not as exciting as I thought. I loved my baby of course but this wasn’t it for me. I’m not the stay at home mom type. After 9 months I was headed back to work.
Two years later, baby girl #2 enters the world. Once again, Im not sending my newborn to daycare so another year off from work it is. We also decided to withdraw our then 1 year old from daycare so naturally mom duties consumed every aspect of my life. There literally was no “ME” time. My life resolved around my boyfriend and children. This led to me feeling a little resentment towards my family. I was losing myself and there was nothing I could do about it. I began to feel hopeless. There had to be more to life than just being “mommy”.
I tried confiding in my boyfriend but trying to explain to a man what its like being a mom is like trying to get him to see the difference between fuchsia and magenta. He just sees pink. Same thing occurs when they associate women with being mothers. We are considered natural nurturers. Being a mom should come easily to us. After all we were made for this. Why on earth would we ever need “me” time? You’re a mom just do what moms do! And to add insult to injury they always want another baby! As if we’re not exhausted enough.
Granted this isn’t how all men think. But when you’re a mom in distress who has no idea who she is anymore and all your hardwork consistently goes unnoticed so does your mans actions when he’s trying his best to show he understands you. I literally pushed mines away when all he was doing was trying to help.
I’d be lying if I said I was excited when I found out I was pregnant for the third time. My boyfriend would have 10 kids if I let him. But I’ve had kids pretty much back to back. Ive practically been pregnant every year since I started, at least thats what it feels like. And now after experiencing how expensive daycare is and how unrealistic it is to maintain my work schedule with kids, I have pretty much become the one thing I’ve dreaded… a full time stay at home mom. And along with baby #3 came something even more dreadful, I would also be turning 30!
The year before having my third child I began what I’d like to call my pursuit to happiness. I was tired of being “just a mom”. I hated my job and always had this deep feeling that I should be working for myself. So I began reading books and that led me on a journey to “finding my passion”. The journey to finding my passion would lead me to feeling even more depressed with my life as a bored stay at home mom. According to all the books I read, I should find a way to turn my hobbies into income. What?! I don’t have hobbies! Especially none that I loved so much I could generate income from them. Im just a mom with two kids. Well, come to think of it I do love to write. I had journal on top of journal full of my feelings. I mean, I guess I could become a mommy blogger?
Blogging definitely didn’t happen. I mean writing in my journal is a hobby but I wasn’t the fun, activity creating mom that I saw all over google. Then it hit me! Real Estate! My mom has been a realtor since I was 18. Every time I’d visit her she’d tell me how I needed to come work with her and how much money I could be making. I’d start to assist her a little but never fully committed.
Now here I am, 27 with two kids. My job changes schedules every six months and I can’t have that type of inconsistency in my life. On top of, I was tired of customer service. I needed more money. I needed to do something more fulfilling. Maybe mama was right.
Those and a million other thoughts crossed my mind the week I decided to sign up for online real estate classes. I would have a flexible schedule. I was in control of how much money I would be able to make. I would feel good helping others find their dream home. This had to be what I was meant to do!
I paid my $200 and signed up to become a realtor. I also went back to work during this time. Long story short, my full time job began to interfere with my online classes so eventually I gave up. I really wasn’t as into it as I thought I’d be anyway. Attempt #1…Fail.
Another years time passed. My work life began interfering with my home life. Daycare was literally half my salary. I had no balance. Once again I began feeling that fire to do something more. Once again real estate was the answer. I was more than ready this time. My kids were a little older, I could do my courses on my lunch breaks and at night. If I really disciplined myself I could be done in 2 months time. So November 2018, I paid another $200 and started real estate school again.
Well the good news is that in January 2019 I successfully completed my real estate course! All I had left to do was take my exams. But here’s the bad news… I hadn’t seen my cycle since November! My cycle comes like clockwork but around this time I thought there had been a mixup with the plan b I had taken. Maybe it just threw me off track. Needless to say that wasn’t the case. 4 months in I find out Im pregnant with baby girl #3! I instantly felt like my life had been pushed 10 steps back. No way I would be able to do real estate now. Who’s going to watch all these kids while I work. So, I never went to take the exam. Attempt #2… Fail.
After the birth of my third daughter I began to adjust to my stay at home life. My oldest started pre-k and we kept our middle baby girl in daycare for an extra 3 months as I got accustomed to the new baby being home. I finally started feeling like I could handle this. I am mommy. I loved being a mommy. I just needed a routine for the girls and I and everything would run smooth. And so it did.
Now here’s why I dreaded turning 30. Although home life was going pretty well this time around. I still had lots of time to be with my thoughts. Society places so much pressure on what you should have accomplished by 30. So thats all I thought about as my birthday approached. I looked at my 10 year goal list I wrote when I was 22 and realized I hadn’t accomplished not one thing. I never completed college, I didn’t own my home, I didn’t own my own business, heck I wasn’t even married to my boyfriend of 7 years! The only thing I had done successfully was have kids. How depressing! I began to resent everyone around me. Everyone I knew who actually had real accomplishments and even my boyfriend for giving me all these kids but no ring! Despite the fact that we had constant conversations about marriage, so I knew where we stood,yet in this moment it was all wrong. I began feeling full of regret. What was my purpose in life? I hadn’t done anything worth mentioning. Now Im turning 30 with no real accomplishments to celebrate.
I got out of my rut for a short time and decided I still needed to celebrate life. I told myself I was a damn good mommy and girlfriend. The way I keep up my household would make some women sweat. Let me enjoy my one day. My birthday actually turned into a big eye opener for me. My friends did things I didn’t expect which made me realize I needed to take a step back from everything and reevaluate my life.
Taking time to reevaluate my life was the best thing I could have ever done. I cut off all distractions. No social media, no friends, no going out. If it didn’t pertain to my family or myself I didn’t engage. I began to focus on building a stronger relationship with God. February 1, 2020 will forever be the day my life changed for the better. For 40 days I focused on strengthening my faith. I began taking accountability for why my life wasn’t the life I had pictured all these years. I realized my family actually had nothing to do with my setbacks. I was just full of excuses and blaming them was easier to cope with. I learned how to be still and let God handle my life because everything I thought I was doing right was wrong. His plan for my life is greater than anything I could do on my own. Finding God led me to finding peace and ultimately finding me.
Three months into my journey my life has been the best its ever been! Earlier I mentioned how I loved cooking everyday. Well, turns out that hobby of mine was actually my passion. God gave me many visions so I listened and began posting videos of my cooking and in one month I was blessed with the opportunity to be a Mombassador with Mommination! And get this, all those feelings I kept in my journals, I am sharing with you for the first time as a real mommy blogger! Its true when they say God has good sense of humor!
One month of obedience brought more blessings than the 5 years I spent trying to create them on my own. I am finally working towards building something for my daughters that they can be proud of. I am going through a process that I’ll be able help them through if they ever end up feeling how I used to feel. Deep in my heart I know my passion is going to lead me to my real purpose. My girls give me so much inspiration and my boyfriend has always done everything he could to make our life easier. He speaks so much life into me its unreal at times.
I now realize it’s not just about me anymore. My purpose is bigger than me. I exist to put out good into this world that benefits others, to give my family the best of version of me, and to share the importance of finding God! I will never lose sight of who I am or doubt my purpose in this world again! I am no longer “just a mommy” I am a Mommi with a Purpose!
Until next time…