This blog has probably been one of the hardest for me to write, If I’m being honest. Not because I’m sharing some deep dark truth that I’ve never shared before but because honestly quarantine is sucking the life out of me. Who I am as a woman, mother, entrepreneur, blogger is slowly being sucked out of me and I’m finding myself questioning everything, especially my choice to have 4 damn kids. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Like, nowhere in my mind was the thought of being trapped in a house, scratch that apartment, all day and night with 4 kids and a man. Like, how did I get here. I know one day I will look back on this and see it as just another notch in my evolution but TODAY it has me wondering if I’ve evolved enough to be able to come out of this as a whole person.
When I think about my mommihood journey one word sticks out to me and that is GROWTH. This journey has caused me to literally grow up, grow into all the seeds that were deposited in me during my childhood and most importantly grow into ME. I never thought becoming a mommi would be the thing that would allow me to find me, but it was.
When I found out I was pregnant I was 20 years old and I thought I had defied the odds and was so much better than (not sure who, but nonetheless better than them) because I was grown grown before I had my first kid. I was 20, I had a good job (for a 20 year old), lived on my own (let’s not talk about the fact that it was my mama’s house). Then, I was 21 about to give birth to my best friend, road dawg, partner in crime, my daughter.
When I gave birth I realized that 21 ain’t that grown. I knew nothing, but I had to figure it out fast. I didn’t want my daughter to be my road dawg and partner in crime, I wanted her to be better than me, I wanted to raise her, teach her and make her better than me. How do I do that? How do I give her something that I don’t even have?
Those were the questions, I asked myself over and over in the beginning and then from time to time as she grew. I thought I had answered them when I married my ex-husband. I would give her a complete family, I would give her something I didn’t have. Well, within two years I realized that wasn’t the answer. Although, trying to create the answer wasn’t the answer I found myself facing new questions as a now single mother of two.
The years following my divorce, were the years I should have grown the most, but to be honest I was stagnant. I was stuck in a why me, what have I done, how could this be my life phase. I was homeless, I was alone, I was confused; but I was still a Mommi. I lost even more of myself, I began to lose everything. When I had thought I had lost it all I slowly began to find everything I needed within me, but not before I almost lost my life.
I found myself with three kids just barely holding it all together and searching for love. I like so many women thought the love had to come from outside of me, so I got involved with a man who said all the right things. It wasn’t long before he became emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I told myself that this is what I deserved, that this is all I was worth. I thought if I could just shield my children from seeing it, they wouldn’t experience it. Although, that was one of the worst times of my life, it was the moment I began to finally see myself.
The moment when I almost died, is the moment I finally chose to live. I chose to look at myself in the mirror and find what I seeking within myself. When I had first given birth to my daughter I knew that I wanted her to be better than me, but I wasn’t sure how to do that. When I found myself in the mirror, I realized that the only way to make her better was to become better myself. I began to question everything I thought I knew about who I was, why I make the choices I make. I wanted to learn who I was so I could GROW into who I wanted to be.
Over the next few years I became clear on who I was, who I wanted to be, and what I needed to do to get there. One thing that kept coming up in my self-search was that I wanted, no I needed to be unapologetic about my love, my passion, my purpose to my people. I no longer wanted to be a know-it-all (true knowledge of our people and culture was one of many seeds planted in my youth) when it came to my culture I wanted to be a force within the culture. I started being intentional with my buying power, with teaching my kids, with using my voice.
I’ve come a long way and know without a shadow of a doubt Who I Am.
I am a woman who was broken, but has risen from it.
I am a counselor, a healer.
I am a woman who loves openly and freely.
I am in love with myself more than anything.
I put me first, yes even before these 4 kids and this man 😂.
I am strong yet weak, I am proud yet humble, I am bougie yet hood, I am a walking contradiction.
I am unapologetically WOKE raising WOKE kids creating the change I seek in my community, ’cause honestly I don’t care about anyone else.
The Mommi world is one where we are constantly putting ourselves last, constantly measuring ourselves up against one another, constantly being told that it’s just a part of mommihood. I no longer believe or subscribe to the “Mommi” ideology I live this Mommi life to the fullest and let me tell you, there is no them without me so I’m always putting me first so that I can be better so that they are better.