DATING?

 What does that even mean in 2019?

I haven’t been on a 1st date since May 2009 👀

To be quite honest once my divorce was finalized this summer I was excited to be legit single in all aspects of the word. Kinda like a clean slate,  a fair chance to experience the real thing. You know that -🎙 Real love,  I’m searching for a real love (Mary J voice).

I’m not searching tho because the Bible says- he who finds a wife ( Proverbs18:22 open your Bible and read the rest sis, it’s so good) I’ll let you dig into that on your free time.

Thats the thing once I hit puberty and gained an interest in boys , love was on my mind.  83 baby, but the 90’s raised me. Remember  sitting in front of your radio and creating mix tapes. Buying a new CD and singing along reading the lyrics.

Pretending I was Brandy🎙*tap hip * Sitting up in my room *taps other hip* Can’t quite thinking about you, I must confess I’m a mess for you……

Or Michael Jackson-  🎙Do you remember the time,  we had fell in love,  remember the time,  when we 1st met girl…..

Okay I’m back

UMM wait ….I  lied- M.A.X.W.E.L.L.!!!!!!! 🎙

Okay I’m back for real, but like seriously a Sheltered black sheep like myself found so much solace in that wonderland of love songs. I wouldn’t say infatuated but definitely excited to one day have my own perfect family of 4 , white picket fence all that corny stuff lol…..

The Okie Doke

🤔 How do I wrap this part of my life right quick?

Came out of a 4 year relationship,  wiser (so I thought) great friends,  great job, awesome church,  had my own car, in college, body was popping- life was pretty comfy .

Exhibit A -body popping lol

New Guy enters stage left- : Cute, shy ,family man, mutual friends, mom likes him, financially stable, Goes to church,  serves in ministry,  got his own place= Jeany loses all common sense, foolishly falls in love

FF 10 YEARS- Emotional abuse, Cheating, break up to make up countless times, Toxic wasteland, get pregnant, get married,  3 kids, he leaves , comes back, leaves again ,I finally let him leave.

June 13th Sweet Freedom .

Now what?

Like seriously social media has sucked up our brain cells, all you have to do is slide in the DM, no effort. And people seem to congratulate you for surviving a decade of your man cheating,  having babies with other woman but you got the ring sis

Is it too late for me to become a nun🤔 like seriously 36 where do I even begin- High school reunions? Seriously how does this work.

My friends know , if you’re reading this far in you are totally my friend now.

Hey Girl Hey 😁

My friends know my prayer is for my husbae to find me in Shoprite or Target 👀 . I want that organic , intentional effort lol

In therapy a couple weeks ago (yes sis goes therapy 1x week and I love it) I was telling my therapist how  I was excited about the possibility to date  but I don’t even think I can get past a little eye contact and a smile at this point. I mean for all I know he’s cheating on his wife, or owe back child support.

Seriously that’s how my brain works, I’m so not ready to date

1. Because I not ready to trust anyone with my heart

2. I’m not where I want to be yet in my career, entrepreneurial goals, housing stability,  a better car

3. I have 3 whole kids I need to make sure are ready for such a huge change (sharing mommy)

4. I want to fully embrace who I am now ( kids, divorce, losing my mom). Those experiences change a girl and I need to be sure of who I am, Who God is calling to be and How He wants me to use my heartache, trials,  successes to bless others.

Yup, totally not ready

So yes it’s been a decade since I’ve been on a real date but sis isn’t quite ready this very second. I am loving fully immersing myself in God’s  love and covering.  I’m enjoying not having to answer to anyone about my coming and going . I’m excited to grow, learn new skills, be my best me so that when husbae finds me I will have my own table set up,  sitting pretty (with my personalized banner , thinking various shades of purple,  blush some gold color scheme, maybe some mimosas)

Honestly I’m at a stage where I am literally recovering,  trying to get back on my feet. Anyone who comes in the picture would get lost in the beautiful chaos of me evolving and owning this New  and improved Jeany

It simply wouldn’t be fair to the fella

36 year old Jeany no longer dreams of White pickett fences. Sis dreaming about building businesses,  securing the bag and creating generational wealth,  fostering genuine friendships,  raising 3 emotionally  healthy kids and getting a Range Rover in the next 4 years 👀😁

SONG BREAK- Tamia

🎙And her name is me

And she loves me more than you’ll ever know

And I finally see that Loving you and loving me just don’t seem to work at all

So patiently

She’s waiting on me to tell you that she needs love

And to choose between you two

Boy, you know if I have to choose, I choose me

I’m not lonely, you’re lonely

Okay so I’m not gonna lie- When I see a woman with her man pushing the Shopping cart in the grocery store and I’m lugging 3 kiddies who all insist on sitting in the cart. I do be wishing future husbae was already by my side (Grocery bags get heavy).

But instead of being envious I just smile when I think about our future corny matching Christmas pjs, bomb marriage proposal,  secret wedding on someone’s island (isnt that why we  have secret boards on pinterest) . And I begin to thank God in advance for my miraculous testimony.

If you’re a divorced mommy like me, just know you’re not alone. It’s okay to take time to heal and replenish,.dont let the social media high light reels trick you into the okie doke.. heck the man may not even be the culprit,  do a self check!

Are you out here being verbally abusive? Are you making him pay for your ex’s transgressions? Are you even a loving mom? Do you know how to be an intentional friend?  🎙 Hezekiah Walker: Do you know Jesus , does He live in your heart?

All that to say its okay to fall in love with yourself before skinny dipping into that sea of available men.

Take yourself out on a date, get a therapist,  spend quality time with your kids, go back to school, go for that promotion, find a way to serve your community.  When you’re ready to share your heart again , you will know when the time is right.

Until next time ✌ Mommi Jeany