Don’t marry outside of your race. Never date someone who has a different background than your background. Definitely don’t link up with a man who already has two daughters from a previous marriage. Do not bring a mixed baby into this world, it’s already hard enough.
These were all things told to me throughout my relationship with my husband. To be honest, portions of that advice were good information. However, if I listened to the opinions of family, friends, acquaintances and others versus MY HEART, I would not have the life I have now. A life that, for the most part…I love.
The life I share with my husband is a life of pure intentionality. Every move we make, every decision we make, all life plans are made together. The way I look at it is pretty simple, there are enough factors in this society working AGAINST our marriage, we need to do everything we can to positively direct elements in our control.
Some times I wish our household was in a reality TV show solely based on the conversations, eye opening moments and arguments. We rarely have normal arguments. Typically they are really stupid disagreements, and they usually start with me wanting my way (like many women). The more interesting arguments come when our cultural backgrounds are the major factor. For example…. to wash chicken before cooking it or not. The way I was raised, there is NO question; of course you wash the chicken. In his background, you absolutely do NOT wash the chicken.
…..when I tell you that was a 3 day long argument complete with family members being called, Facebook and Instagram polls and calls to local restaurants. It was all that and more!
How about the time he tried to tell me that macaroni and cheese was NOT a staple of Thanksgiving Day dinner. I was almost done with the whole marriage.
Sometimes we will have arguments that are much more serious, like Kneeling for the American Flag. Often they are theoretical, like why or why not our daughters should go to an HBCU.
Where I believe we differ from some couples in our arguments is in the process and the outcome. There is rarely a disagreement that doesn’t go through the full-blown stages of a lawsuit.
We will use the “Chicken Washing Fiasco of 2019” as an example:
Once you believe you are involved in a situation that requires legal action, finding a knowledgeable and experienced attorney should be your first priority. Gaining the aid of a seasoned attorney, especially one experienced in the specific area of your legal issues, is the most important thing you can do to secure a favorable result. Generally, your first contact with a potential attorney will be during an initial client interview. During this interview the attorney will ask you questions about your legal dilemma. Then, the attorney will give you his or her opinion on the issue and advise you of your options. If the attorney believes you have a viable case and you choose to hire that attorney, the lawsuit can be commenced.
Real Life: I found myself in a situation that needed action because I was not happy thinking that the person who does a large portion of the cooking in the house was NOT washing the chicken. I felt it was a violation of my American rights and I didn’t think it was right for him to put me in this trifling position.
My attorney, in this situation, was Jesus, my grandma Pearl and ALL of my other sufficiently melanated friends.
Pre trial motions are motions that are made before the actual trial. After the preliminary hearing and before a trial, the prosecutor and the defense team appear before the criminal court judge and make pretrial motions.
Real life: I decided to poll the most impartial jury I could think of…Instagram and Facebook. Dustin agreed to this trial.
A formal examination of evidence before a judge, and typically before a jury, in order to decide guilt in a case of criminal or civil proceedings.
Real Life: We went to Facebook (the jury) and asked the all important question. “Do you wash your chicken before you cook it, or not?! From there, the social media frenzy began. People began to state their truths and the reasoning behind each of those truths.
I will say that we have a VERY ethnically diverse group of people who follow our lives on Facebook. With that being said, I DEFINITELY saw a trend in which people where say, “yes they wash” versus “no they don’t wash”. But that’s neither here nor there.
In conclusion, the “chicken fiasco” was not really the big deal. What made it a big was the fact that we were raised so drastically different that it made the other person’s views seem absolutely ridiculous.
We have had a number of issues in our marriage in which his point of view seemed so outrageous that I didn’t even want to hear him out. So I would make the mistake a lot of women make and call my mother, or sister or best friends. There are two problems with that. The first problem is that, our issues needed to remain OUR issues. There was never a real reason to involve outside parties into our issues. The second problem is that my circle of sisters (mom, sis, friends) were likely all raised the same way I was raised. The odds of me getting a fair, unbiased and diverse conversation around the issue was slim.
At the end of the day, I think we have learned to love when differences arise, especially those that involved how we were raised or cultural differences. To us, it is like a whole new world is being accessed every single time.
P.S. No matter how you do your chicken, don’t be like this guy!