The 3 dreaded “D” words we never want to discuss…but it’s real! No woman wants to admit she’s headed towards a divorce, in the middle of a divorce, or newly divorced. At least I didn’t anyway. When I went through my divorce it was the most hurtful and humiliating experience of my life. It’s hard to even put myself back in that space to explain it because of how low I felt. Let me take you back about 7 years…
Imagine being young, optimistic about life, married for 3 years, in the process of purchasing your first home, oh, and 6 months pregnant with your first child. Life was just starting to get really great at this point! So many exciting things happening and preparing for a beautiful baby girl I was practically living a dream! A dream that quickly became a nightmare. In the midst of all the excitement and changes, the biggest change slapped me in my face when my then Husband calmly told me he wanted a divorce. I really never saw this coming, at least not at this stage in life. Not pregnant. I’m carrying his child, how could someone possibly want to divorce their pregnant wife for no real reason? Well, I lived in denial for several weeks thinking it’ll blow over and he was just stressed or scared and he would quickly come to his senses. Until the separation began to unfold right before my eyes. Life was spinning out of control so fast that I felt as though I was having an out-of-body experience. I had an “image” to uphold and I had to pretend that I could handle all that was being thrown at me when in actuality, I felt empty and dead inside. How could I be carrying human life inside of me when I could barely keep myself alive? I don’t know how I did it but I did.
Of course I can’t take all the credit because I pulled strength from so many people in my life who remained strong for me. My Parents, my Brothers, my best friend, my Pastors, and my co-workers. All these people played important roles in my life and I would’ve broken had I not had their help, prayers, and strength.
Despite the turmoil going on around me during this time, my pregnancy was amazing! No complications whatsoever and October 6th, 2011 in Valdosta, GA I delivered a perfectly healthy 7lb 11oz Magical baby girl! In that moment nothing else mattered but her. I then decided to move forward in our lives together, just us two. I had a reason to be stronger, better, wiser. I knew that she would always be watching me and my decisions would directly affect her and her future. I knew that mistakes would happen and her love was unconditional but I would not take that for granted. I brought her into this world and it was my job to give her the best life, she deserved it. One look at her and my purpose began to unfold. Love just took on a new meaning.
At just 2 months old we decided to move back home with my parents, about 3 hours north of where we lived. It was such a hard decision to make because I was so used to being independent. But I knew that this would be best for my newborn baby. I had my Mom there to help me every step of the way with me being a first time Mommi. I had my Dad there for love and protection. They reassured me everything would be OK when I felt as though nothing would be the same.
So imagine, going from two good incomes to none! Well, that’s where I was. Yes, I had moved home, I wasn’t paying rent or mortgage but the bills kept rolling in. The credit card debt racked up quickly. I decided to stay home with my infant for a year to focus on her and gather myself and mental state, and then dive back into the job force in a new city. Plus I couldn’t afford daycare. (Lol) I was blessed to have Parents who supported this decision and allowed their adult daughter (and my child) to live off of them during this time. Never in a million years could I repay them for all they’ve done for us.
My doubt about life was at an all time high. The divorce dragged on for about 2 years because we couldn’t agree on anything. I was hurt and angry, so the arguments were happening non-stop. I had no job, no place of my own, no income, and worst of all, no hope. I doubted everything and everyone, and I didn’t expect anything good to come out of such a bad situation. Every day I was filled with doubt, my only happiness I had came from my daughter. I felt alone. I doubted my ability to create a better life for her, for us. I doubted finding a happy relationship in the future, I doubted trusting anyone again, I doubted myself in every way possible. I disconnected myself from social media because I was embarrassed that my marriage had failed. I hated to go out in public because I was afraid I would see someone I knew and they would ask, “so are you back here now?” Then I would have to explain (or make up) what brought me back “here.” Doubt is a dangerous emotion and it almost over took my sanity, but one thing about me; I always still had a little glimpse of hope deep down inside. And honestly that’s all you really need.
Life has its ups and downs, we all know that right? During the “downs” you just have to remember that you can’t stay down. Refocus, readjust, and find inspiration from something or somewhere. Concentrate on that one positive thought you may have and run with it! You have made it through 100% of the those hard days so far, keep going because you’ve come too far to give up now! Starve your fears and feed your faith.
-xo From one Magical Mommi to Another,