Anytime I hear about someone I know getting married I’m so excited for them, part of me even envious dare I say it. Hell, a broad’s approaching 30… No pressure they say but times- a – tickin’. Keeping it real for a second, isn’t that what women have been conditioned to assume?… you prove yourself worthy a man will sweep you off your feet and he will take you as his wife. Say it again- his “WIFE”. Sounds good doesn’t it? I’d hate to say it but yes, part of me still yearns for such validation.  It’s a heavy title, it’s a title to be earned. So when I hear about proposals, a portion of me wonders, “Will it ever be me”? Then the other part of me thinks, “Do you really want it to be you”?

for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part 

I’m pretty sure it’s the, “till death so us part” that throws me. It makes me want to repeat, “till death do us part”? in my best Soulja Boy voice 

I hate that I have doubts, but I ask myself these questions, “Will I ever met the man that’s makes me feel like there will never be any better? It’s funny because I met a woman once and she said, “Getting married to a man is basically finding a suitor who bothers you but it’s tolerable”, she said, “Truth is no matter what, a man will do things you aren’t happy with, it’s about finding someone with bullshit you can tolerate”. I never forgot those words. The way I see it, by nature we are curious people, it’s in us to wonder, it’s in us to doubt … see the problem with me is I doubt a little too much. I envision myself married and having a falling out and next minute questioning if I should have married my husband, extreme – yes but realistic nonetheless. They say when you know they are the one , you just know. And here I come with my doubts but in my defense, I’ve thought I met the one before and it turns out I was wrong…what if I make that mistake again? I think about the worst breakup I’ve ever had… I think about how excited we were to open a joint account, how happy we were to be saving with one another, to have access to each others money… then I think about what we went through after we broke up. I think about how bitter we became, how we tried to beat one another to the chase in stopping our direct deposits and taking our names off the account, how we went through the frustration of continuing to live with one another out of consideration for the others credit report( probably the nicest thing either of us did) because we were both on the lease … I remember how we just tolerated each other until the very end, and then we were finally free. That break up broke my heart , and it was just a boyfriend. The same way I think about marriage I also consider divorce …   I consider how it leaves couples who were once crazy about one another hating each other and fighting until the very end… I think about adding children to the equation and wondering what they may feel during it all- it scares me. It makes me think no matter how much I love someone I will always love me more. I will want to shield myself from the mere possibility of heartbreak and with that in mind how can I ever fully give myself to someone?

Trust issues

So many have lied before him, how will I know it’s genuine? Will there be signs? Is it okay to let my guard down ? Lord knows I want to. So many thoughts and not enough answers, I’ve never been one to go on a feeling. My life is pretty much planned, with an option A, B , and C always in mind. I’m the analytical type , I like to be prepared . Marriage to me is associated with too many unknowns. The real question is what have I become ? Since when it is love supposed to be a business decision? I want to fall… but I’m afraid of not being caught . Appearances always look good until people see the truth- so many happy people yet none are really happy… God I’m so scared of that being me . As long as I’m in single I’m in control, hell I can sign things with no second signature, I got my own damn name , I can file my taxes with no concern…I go down the list and say “ there’s a whole lot of pros to NOT being married”… stay that way.

Somehow I’m still optimistic

With all that being said, who am I to shoot my own fairytale down right ? I’ve always said, “well there’s someone for everyone” now the question, “Will I meet a man that understands me”? Will I meet a man that makes me feel safe enough to put all my concerns to rest and finally drop my guard? Will this man guard my heart like it’s the only job in the world ? Any man can make you lose your guard but what he does with you after determines a lot . The older I get the more I’m stuck in between your goal in life is to be married and raise a family, and you don’t need a man to validate your existence. The latter of the two seems a little too feminist for me, I Want to be a wife. I want to do better . I want to see more young black success stories, I want to see black men doing better by their women… I want to know there’s hope.

thank you for reading,

Mommi Ashley