Was one of the best days of my life; I just didn’t know it yet. I held the very essence of my new life wrapped in a 6 ½lb bundle. Her life saved my life while breathing new life into my being. My story started like many where it was a total surprise! I swore I had food poisoning and pregnancy never crossed my mind. You never really think about the possibility of being pregnant until you get pregnant for the first time. From then on out any and EVERY symptom makes you believe you could be pregnant, ha, ha!! Who can relate?! I asked my husband to get me medication for an upset stomach and he returned from the store with a pregnancy test. After being difficult, due to disbelief, I took it and found out he was right. What?! Somebody’s momma?! Really?! Me?! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The ups and downs of me and my mother’s relationship didn’t make me feel super confident with parenting and I was so preoccupied with family woes that it really didn’t seem too happy of an occasion.
As soon as I found out I became over the top and extremely hard on myself to ensure I was doing everything right (no such thing). I had a strict diet, I would request people not smoke in public places and drunk more water than the Pacific Ocean contains. I was on my way to being the perfect mom! I didn’t skip a vitamin or prenatal appointment and felt ready for what lie ahead. Birth day came and my doctor was unavailable and panic set in. I sat at home 5cm dilated and planned to stay there if my husband didn’t drag me out of the house. I suddenly didn’t feel ready. Doubt set in and I didn’t feel fit to be anyone’s mom.
Well, the time came and I ended up getting a fever resulting in a c-section. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do. I mustered the courage to put on a brave face as they wheeled me in and my daughtered was born! She was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on. What happened next would surprised even me…
I didn’t want to hold her or leave her in the room. I wasn’t ready. I told the nurses and my husband that I needed a minute. Everyone was confused but respected my wishes. I lay there for 2 hours… tears streaming and thoughts running through my head of possible failure. What time of mother am I?! I had only seen shows like A Baby Story where the mom was overjoyed and couldn’t wait to hold, feed and kiss her baby. That just wasn’t MY truth. I hade to gather myself. As I got myself together I ask for my daughter to be placed back in the room. I then held her, prayed over her, kissed her and made promises I’m still keeping. She was so perfect and I wanted to be perfect for her! That moment of uncertainty directly after having her faded quickly. I was killing the mom game!! Breastfeeding, preparing fresh fruits and veggies, buying baby blazers and being more than I thought I could in every way! I was doing the d$%@ thang! AS she got older it was evident how passionate I was about being her mother as it shined through her big spirit and I honestly couldn’t remember was life was before her!
When my husband and I decided that the princess was more than enough, we started planning our life around her being the only mini. Life was moving fast and took a turn as my husband and I navigated through a rough patch in our relationship. As we moved into a mend, my husband realized I was pregnant (yes, my husband…again). What kind of timing was this?! Is this a joke?! Nope. I was pregnant with my son. I was in shock for the first 4 months and really was paralyzed in disbelief. The pregnancy with my son seemed to fly by and I was the prettiest preggers ever!!! Especially considering I resembled princess Fiona while pregnant with my daughter, ha, ha! I was more aware and felt like I knew what expect this time around, so it was a better experience than the first pregnancy. Once again, there I was at another birth needing a moment. I laid in silence for a couple hours before joining the celebration. I realized the second time around that this is my way of mentally preparing to give my all…while it’s not what is shown on screen and photographs, it’s my way…my experience. I may be the only one who didn’t embrace their little one immediately and I’m completely okay with that. The strongest stand you can make as a mother is choosing to do it your way. A mental regroup after the circus was mandatory for embarking on new life.
Today, my beautiful children are six and ten. They are some of the brightest children I’ve met. They love hard and bring out the best parts of me. I keep going because of them. I laugh hard and protect fiercely because of them. They are some of the very best parts of my life and being a mother has brought so much balance to me. Having them renews celebrations as I see it through their eyes. I love my kids tremendously and am so honored every Mother’s Day to be their mom. I never planned on being a mother but I am truly blessed that motherhood chose me. Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mothers and Mommination Family! Be sure to follow my journey on all social media platforms @guruwhoknew and stop by www.guruwhoknew.com for the latest! Until next time mommination family!