What do you do when your mind is consumed by one thing and one thing only? No matter how hard you try to stop thinking about it, you just can’t seem to push the thoughts out of your head. They slide in constantly throughout the day; while you’re in the shower, driving to work, riding the elevator, relaxing in the jacuzzi, hell even at church as you pray for forgiveness. When you aren’t spending countless hours allowing it to permeate your mind, you’re talking about it with your friends and God knows momma warned you never to do that. Nevertheless, you can’t seem to hold back. You’re practically panting and speaking in an indecipherable tongue as you break down each and every play by play, but no one seems to truly understand how it makes you feel or the waves it sends crashing through your entire body. You both want it…bad. You ask yourself, does he want it more than I do? When the two of you are in close proximity, he acts like he wants nothing more in this world and that shit drives you crazy. He makes it clear; he will die to get it. Your heart beats ceaselessly and your body buckles as you wait… in anticipation.
Now for all of us avid Zane readers with our minds in the gutter, let’s take a moment to cool down and regroup because the “D” I’m anticipating doesn’t end in orgasmic bliss, but rather constitutes a significant life event that unfortunately causes my daughter to be raised in two different households and potentially wages a full-on legal war.
According to recent statistics, “About 40 to 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce, the average length of time for first marriages ending in divorce is eight years, and 60 percent of divorcing couples are between the ages of 25 to 39.” Well check, check and check… OMG I think I’m officially a statistic. I believe once the initial anger subsided and the reality of the situation sunk in, being viewed as a statistic became an irrational concern of mine. I allowed both real and perceived judgment to catapult me into a deep abyss of shame. I vividly recall waking up with panic attacks in the middle of the night, wondering how in the world I was going to break this news to my mother and grandmother. How would I tell them that I had failed at breaking the generational curse of divorce? How would I answer the when, why, how questions I wasn’t prepared to face?
So, when did this happen? -Like when did we fall out of love, I’m not sure or are we asking when did we decide to get a divorce?- If this is the question, are we talking the first, third or tenth time this has been the topic of discussion with various marriage therapists?
Why?- Well, I suppose that depends on which one of us you ask, but the most politically correct answer would be, “irreconcilable differences.” Why are we keepin it so PC?-In my Destiny’s Child voice* “I’m better than that, I’m not gon’ diss you on the internet, ‘Cause my momma taught me better than that!”
How did this happen?- I know right, didn’t we appear like such the quintessential couple on Instagram about a week ago with all the #couplegoals #blacklove #blackfamily. We did one hell of a job painting a picture, didn’t we? But like Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church said, “Integrity can’t be instagrammed and faithfulness can’t be displayed on Facebook”
And of course we can’t leave out the who?- Well to be fair, let’s say both of us, but the better question is who’s leaving with the mutual friends? Side note, I’m a firm believer in the phrase, “leave with who you came with,” but after seven years of marriage, I know things aren’t always that black or white.
There’s no escaping the reality
Although I’m making light of the situation (more than likely as a coping mechanism), the anxiety and heartbreak that comes from the anticipation of an impending dissolution is devastating. Trust me, it’s the polar opposite of the euphoric feeling that comes from…well whatever popped into your mind as you began reading this post! Rather the initial blow of a divorce can bring-forth feelings of despair, grief, insecurity and has the potential to adversely affect not only the individuals involved, but children and other family members as well. Now that’s what plagued my mind, day in and day out; that’s what caused me to lose sleep and sob uncontrollably to my most trusted friends. There’s no escaping the reality of the situation, but each day I’m learning the importance of processing, accepting accountability, forgiving, and being intentional about self-compassion.
Finally, as I go and grow through this crazy transitional phase in life, I remind myself that in order to truly heal, I must prioritize myself; hell, even the flight attendants on an airplane instruct you to secure your oxygen mask first in order to be more equipped to save your precious cargo. The same is true when facing a divorce. So, cry when you need to cry, laugh when things are funny and love in spite of it all.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read one of my most vulnerable posts thus far. I hope that you were captivated, humored and/or encouraged. I welcome you to join me on this journey as I tackle yet another WTF moment life throws my way! In the words of one of my all-time favorite poets and friend, Rudy Francisco, “I write best when I am either falling in love or falling apart.”
IguehiMay 6, 2019 9:21 pm
I can only imagine this wasn’t the easiest post to make but I thank you for you strength; your transparency; your vulnerability and you ability to stand in your truth. Know that you have you have friends standing along side you. Love you girly.
RachelleMay 7, 2019 3:04 pm
Thank you for your honesty and your insight into such a life changing moment. When I first started reading the blog, I thought for sure you were heading in a different direction. I’m amazed at your inner strength, belief in God, and willingness and motivation to continue moving forward. I admire you and your ability to mother even in the hardest of times ❤️
AprilMay 9, 2019 11:59 am
Pam!!! OMG. This!!! I love you. And this! Keep shining your light in this world. <3